No Love, Marriage, or Baby.

Parents and family have this way of looking at you that the world does not. I wonder if they realize this? They’ve known me for 30 years–all of them. So they know the good stuff, the even better stuff, and the embarrassing tidbits best thrown in the fire. They know it all as they see it, but not the world. The world sees me differently. You know, I learned this at an early age. I keep learning about it, despite all these messages about everyone being beautiful in their own way on top of it. To make matters slightly worse, I’ve got a dad who wants grandkids, a paternal aunt who wonders why none of us Millennial-generation intermediate fam have any, and both of them “wondering why I haven’t found someone yet”, as if it’s so easy.

When my dad said to me “you should flirt more”, I said to myself “to whom, and how?!”

Yesterday he said this. I’m on the floor, holding my cell to my ear, playing with my Chinese Zodiac carved figurine just thinking to myself how that would go. I am a pear-shaped, bear-sized woman with poofy hair and a wide-set baby face. Romantic prospects come and go. Crushes crash and burn faster than I can redial to tell them how I feel. Attention is short-lived, and to be honest–sometimes people just would much rather have an ego boost/second mother than an actual partner.

I almost want to tell both of these nutty boomers that this is not the 70’s. Finding a partner these days is so complicated. Not because of hookups or anything like that–we all know that’s a part of any scene at any time–but it’s hard to find a compatible person to be satisfied with. I don’t want a perfect person. I don’t need that. But for me, personally– I can’t relate to all these other people who are cute enough to date and get laid. People just…drop me.

Or forget me.

Or go back to their exes.

Or come through whenever the people higher on their list/SIM Card won’t pay attention.

Or lowkey like me, but can’t highkey adore me for whatever reason.

When they need a mothering loser, who are they coming for? Veronica Rochelle.

I have had people say they love me and they’re coming for me. I have had people say they want to get to know me on a metaphysical level. In a naughtier space, I have been told they were fans, but actions make it seem so…untrue? I have heard a lot, and seen so little.

So let me be honest here–the man I wanted to be with didn’t want to be with me. The man I wanted a life with is probably very happy, very married/taken, and has forgotten about the young asshole I used to be, and never got the chance to meet the older…sorta okayish person I turned out to be. HE was what I wanted, but it just wasn’t meant to be. So, okay I can accept that. Time to move on.

I’ve….been ready to for years. And I can feel it when people avoid me. You know? That sounds like such an odd thing to say. But it almost feels like all the parts of my life that I want to happen tend to reach out to other people I know. And who knows how they met that person? I go places and nothing really comes of it. I probably doomed myself by moving to this town full of married, young, or old people–despite claims that “big girls get lots of love here.”

Right.

Where?

And that’s also another problem. Granted a certain leg of my work tends to deal with big girl admiration and appreciation, I would like to have a life outside of that where I can be found beautiful not for my size, but because somebody sees something they would like to become a part of–not for simple one sided pleasure alone–but the kind of healthy partnership where love can flourish, and a life can progress.

Maybe that’s asking for the moon.

Yet I can feel the creeping sadness inside of me because of my family. I wasn’t put on this earth just to perpetuate the bloodline, but I almost feel like when they say “it would be nice”, that it’s almost my only purpose, SECOND to finally graduating college. And on top of that, I might have fertility issues that could make it impossible to have kids. I just find all of this to be so much, and rather painful.

Do these folks think I’m satisfied being alone? Do they think that I don’t hear what they say about women who’ve never been married? Then I reveal these fears, and you know what they say? “You’re just in your early 30s.”

But at the same time, the clock is ticking, right?

Can we make up our minds about this? Can we realize that the so called catch they see could just be unattractive trash to the rest of this world? The cheese has been standing alone for a while now, dipping in and out of relationships, Internet monstrosities, fwb that just fall off quietly, and a host of other short-term messes that make things seem impossible. These people–my family–have these expectations that seem pressure-free, but really make me feel like something is wrong with me.

Okay, you want grand kids. You want a great-niece or nephew. Where am I getting this baby from? Who do I have to get with to make this happen? Who’s paying for these expensive children? There are people who “love” the concept of Roni, but don’t “love” the concept of her. Even with this ol’ vulnerable bear heart, there are no open hands waiting to care for it. I may be used to being alone, untouched by lack of social activity, but it doesn’t mean I like any part of it.

Where do I even go to find someone who isn’t just trying to stick something in me before remembering my name, anyway? Dating sites have just become this cesspool of lust, and I dance between wanting the lust and a real connection. As I get older, I feel like I am leaning closer to the connection. I am tired of disconnection. I am tired of nervous handshakes saying “nice to meet you”, when in fact it’s really not.

They say that some people are meant to be alone, and I think I put up a good front of acting like I’m okay with that, sometimes. Just to stop myself from having any hopes about love. People say stop looking and it will come to you. That’s how I met…you know. And I talk about him a lot but I guess that’s because he was as close as I really got to getting what I wanted. Navigating the waters after him just….resulted in the boat sinking.

I was never good at meeting people, you know? My teen years weren’t full of dates either. I have never been cute or approachable. Ever. It’s also weird because I do identify as Bisexual, but most women (save for like..this one really adorable young lady) don’t want me either lol. This is a unisex and non-gender binary event. It’s other people, it’s me, and this hopeless fiasco of just trying to find somebody really nice.

Parents make this seems so easy, and look at you like you’re crazy when you give them the breakdown of why it’s not so hard. Nice people who could be in mutual liking and attraction with are not falling from the sky. They are not just walking up to your door with flowers, candy, and tickets to that thing you like. Parents, for some reason, just can’t understand that we are not children nervously walking into the box social for the first time. This is not the ice cream social, and little Billy Stevenson isn’t trying to share his pineapple sundae with Miss Veronica Rochelle.

Parents.

I wish I could show both of these people the heartache and sadness about all this dating and romance stuff. How hard it is to see people gushing about dates and great sex and engagements and new babies….

And you’re like….

Just living.

I do not know when my turn will be. I thought I would know, and 24 is long gone, and the timeline has been shot to you-know-what since that time.

Somebody–two somebodies say “he is coming”.

And I don’t want to be that girl who sits at the front door staring and staring–but there is  a section of me that just wishes he were here already. That we could go for walks already. That we could have weekend plans already. That we could eat really bad food together, laugh about our pasts together, and connect.

When I connect with human beings, I feel rays of energy and the touch of warm skin. I feel like we are hooked together, and that tender moments don’t have to mean anything…or could mean the entire world. I have felt this way about lots of my friends online. Like, nothing sexual just human contact is nice. A hug, a friendly kiss on the forehead. But you can’t tell people you want to hold them or hold their hands without it getting weird. I don’t want to weird people out–just give affection.

That’s all I ever want to do.

Not be in empty relationships.

We can never avoid heartbreak, but I just miss connecting with someone.

In a world where none of us are sure, social pressure is on our backs, debt is an ugly thing, and the fear to let go is very here and now…I guess there are a lot of us who aren’t with someone. Or seeing someone. Or…humping someone. If it were as easy as these elders think it is/was/should be, I’d have 10 kids and that cat I want by now.

I dunno.

I repel people quite often, so….

Yeah.