“But You’re Thirty…”

Actually, I’m 31….but Claro que sí….I’m in my thirties. Getting judged for my likes and interests, but being told constantly to stop talking about how old I am. Being told to be myself, but having said interests, likes, and ideas labeled as stupid. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t, but I guess I didn’t get the manual on how to be in my thirties the right way. I’m doing me, I’m being me, and that’s “idiotic” now.

What? Cross the year mark before you decide who I am or what’s uncool about me. I won’t change it but by all means, try me. This is just like that time I was minding MY business, waiting for my cousin to come out of some teeny bopper party, and some shit ass dude said “you needa stop playin’ them games sweetheart!” when I told him I was 22 and playing Yoshi’s Island. Well fuck that. I don’t follow the so-called mold of being this or that. Been there, done that, would rather be myself any day.

So I got mad and defensive on today’s front. I’m allowed to do that. THAT ended up in “Imma let you go” territory, and that is what inspired today’s list.

I am 31 and:

  1. I still collect stuffed animals. Yoshi, Hello Kitty, Li’l Bub, Care Bears
  2. I love certain children’s songs.
  3. I like graphic tees.
  4. I quote cartoons and viral videos from time to time. Who doesn’t?
  5. I love Beyonce! THAT seems to be a problem. Why? Don’t know, don’t care.
  6. I like ridiculous YouTube videos. The silly ones, the viral ones, the eye-rolling ones. Love them.
  7. I like a lot of YouTubers who are actually younger than I am: MacDoesIt, Markiplier, Odd1sOut, and JacksFilms especially.
  8. Sometimes I color pictures. Colored pencils, on the floor, eyes wide open, with a smile.
  9. I still edit my Gaia Online avatar.
  10. Sometimes I like to visit Mediatakeout.
  11. YES, I AM INTERESTED IN THE REMY MA AND NICKI MINAJ BEEF. I’m not even a fan of either one. I have listened to a few songs and honestly it’s just petty drama. It’s life, it’s publicity–it’s interesting.
  12. I have over 20 Gift ‘Ems Girls because I think they’re cute.
  13. I have a ball collection from those 25-cent machines seen at stores.
  14. I FUCKING LOVE GLITTER.
  15. I like rainbows.
  16. I also like tinsel. Lots. Of. Tinsel.
  17. I love blowing bubbles.
  18. I eat cereal at odd hours of the day, but never actually at breakfast time.
  19. I collect FunkoPop dolls!
  20. I read manga and collect comics.
  21. I like Candy Crush, Neko Atsume, Klepto Cats, and almost all the popular puzzle games.
  22. I follow tons of parakeet and cat accounts on Instagram.
  23. I like candy. Judge me for that, too.

I like a lot of stuff. I am not wound up or stuck on “what an adult should like”. I chose not to live like that, because of my jovial nature. It makes me happy. Things make me cope. I don’t like to spend every waking moment in the unhappiness that plagues me. I want to live, to smile, and I function and cope differently. Why does it have to be stupid? Why does anyone feel like they need to repeat “but you’re 3o…” over and over, like that’s going to change my mind or make me feel bad? It pisses me off. YES, I AM 31. YES, I LIKE CERTAIN THINGS. GET OVER IT.

You’re not paying for it, so why does it matter? If you like me for who I am, it shouldn’t matter. Especially if you’re into some pretty childish or things some would call “stupid”. I have opinions, but I don’t go in on you. I leave it alone because you like what you like, and you’d be nine times as defensive. We BOTH know what it feels like to be judged, so why even go there, despite what you’re feeling. Blunt, blunt, blunt all the time until somebody pops off.

After all we’ve identified with, who are you to climb on the high horse and look down upon me, just because you’re sooooo over something? Don’t even know the whole story, but you have so much to say about it, despite not caring. It’s more of the fact that I have an interest in it. “You of all people. I can’t believe it.” Why, because it makes me like everyone else? Why, because it’s beneath you? Right, because you’re so above it all and I’m just a lowly peon. That beef thing has been online for almost 24+ hours. The memes are funny. Some of these posts are gold. GOD. I’m not allowed to have fun now? I gotta be all high tea prim and proper? All put together and perfectly mature, huh.

I will like what I like, until I choose not to like it anymore. If you don’t like it ’round here, find another, ‘nother love.

I will not apologize for being myself.

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TW: Diet talk, weight talk, body image issues

I can’t tell you what it was like to be a kid anywhere else in this world. I can tell you what it was like being a kid from Chicago, on the Southside of the city. I can tell you that a lot of cruelty was thrown the way of the fat kids, and the greatest insult was to have someone say “you need to be on/in/getting with Jenny Craig!”

That was the major insult of the 90s, because JC had just started in 1985, so it was pretty new. It was the zinger that lots of people used in and outside of entertainment, and had the kind of sting that left you speechless. Or maybe that was me. I don’t always clap back. It was either Jenny Craig or Slim-Fast, and trust me I had been forced to try the latter during a time in 6th grade. For breakfast, by my dad. Tasted good, but guess what–felt bad and it didn’t work.

So I’ll spare the long and stupid tale of bad habits and tacky storage spots for food. It got me super fatter. Boredom, sadness, all that crap will move you to make shitty choices. I think today, after I’d eaten a bowl of popcorn with a glass of juice, I got tired. So, I looked around. I decided to join Jenny Craig. I decided I wanted to actually use the workout clothes I have, and start off with a goal of losing 30-4o pounds.

I keep saying that I want to be beautiful, and not make bad choices anymore. Buying all that stupid Valentine’s Day candy and devouring the stash sort of woke me up. I need to do a lot better than I’m doing. So I’m doing this trial thing, and if I don’t like it, I will either go somewhere else, or attempt to build my own plan. I’m not ready for a gym, but I can do research.

I just want to be beautiful, and I don’t feel that way right now. Maybe I’ll feel like I can slay some days, but most of the time I don’t feel great. I’m hiding from my true feelings, and holding back because people say not to express those thoughts. I’m pretty much keeping silent, because I feel like I’ll get shamed for it. I know the weight I want to be. If someone can’t find me attractive at that weight, what is it that they really like about me? I am more than my body.

So I decided to ignore that, because this is about improving ME. I guess I need to be selfish to get it done. So if JC doesn’t work out, I need to find another place. There aren’t that many that aren’t super expensive. I really would like to find an inexpensive one that can adhere to my $300 dollar monthly budget. I can’t think of any others aside from NutriSystem and they were too high. So that’s why I chose JC.

I also want to regulate my menses, so I can ensure that I can have the kids I want. I need to be at least 200 pounds to get health insurance with United Health, and in TN I don’t have any other options than TennCare and BCBS, and I can’t afford the $395 they want from me. I want to live a better and happier life in a body that I feel is right for me. I don’t want to tell ppl what to do with theirs, and I don’t want to be an ass about it. I know how that feels. This is from my POV, and it isn’t to shame ppl who are comfy with what they have. I need to change my eating habits and grow up. I need to portion better and keep snacks for longer than a week. I want to be a better me. That’s all. I strive to please myself, and I can’t worry about this whole thing concerning not being desired for getting smaller. I can’t even be concerned with people’s opinions, now, but this whole issue of losing weight and losing this certain person sucks….but I need to do this for me.

This is the part where I say “stay tuned”, but I hate when ppl say that.

Blech.

There are people who are so ahead of their time, feeling-wise, that you don’t get their message until years and several relationships later. I keep mulling it over in my head–not to seek the past or bring them into my life, but it’s like wow….”I get it now”.

He kept saying to me over and over “I wish I was wanted and needed”, or “I want to be wanted and needed.”

That made me mad. What was I, chopped liver? I dissolved things when I felt like I had no place in their life. Typical feelings for someone being told very much about what other people are doing, but not very much about you except “you’re good.” I…probably should have known then and there that I’d missed out on the great person, great girlfriend manual. Still, I was mad. Wasn’t I there? Wasn’t I good enough?

So years passed, and the words faded into the back of my mind. I considered them a person who just was not satisfied, and was coping more than anything else. Coping with people, coping with their job, blah blah. I never really considered the fact that even with “all the stuff”, one can feel terribly lonely in a crowd and a life full of people. Something can always be missing, and maybe you’ll live an entire life without finding it out what it is. Maybe you’ll keep coming back to this life, until you find out what it is.

At the time, I was also trying to be this healer. Sometimes I still do that, and I can admit that is the only place where I may overthink, because I grow to love and care for people, and wish them the best. I don’t try to be mom or wife, but sometimes it happens. In any case, Miss Healer felt out of place. Miss Healer felt like nobody, and took those words to heart.

I’m older now. About 7 or 8 years have passed, and suddenly I get it.

Great timing, right?

It seems like such a bad, ungrateful thought, but a lot of people have the thought. A lot of people think like this, and need to find a way to work through it. The only problem is, when you tell people in your life how you feel, it gets tricky. It gets offensive. How do you tell people–if they’re already there–that you feel alone? It’s not exactly the best conversation to have over coffee.

So, the work continues to fix that feeling. There has to be a better way.