Crashing and burning seems to be the theme of my semesters at UT Martin, and that’s usually halfway. That’s what happened with Math, the Ethics class, and the frickin Geology class. I keep overwhelming myself. I never learn. So I’m tackling this as hard as I possibly can. I’m not giving up. I’m annoyed, I’m tired, and I think I need a break from this babysitting job (because I’m getting paid sporadically, not at the end of every month, and I don’t want to be a dick cuz this is family, but A: Savings account is pitiful and B: Checking account is worse.) to fully gather myself.
I have decided that I want to move back to Chicago. I can’t afford it now, but I want to go back. I want to live in one of those nice apartments that cost 900 a month, I want to eat the food I like, freeze how I want to, and become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m tired of faking the “make do” of this life in TN. I think the last straw was being ditched Sunday for an SGI meeting, with everyone suddenly so sick and unable to get me.
I get it. I’m uninteresting and pathetic. But small town life has sort of done only two things: 1: made me binge eat out of emotions and boredom 2: encouraged my shopping addiction. I’m unhappy here, but it’s not like I have anywhere else to go. And just sitting here pouting sort of makes people pay attention to you.
This has inspired me to create some new goals to help finance my future move, as well as maintaining my wavering spirits. I have depended on the opinions of others, who have already judged me. I am looking to myself, now. My goals:
- To stay true to this Jenny Craig thing, on top of fitness, until I am able to plot out my own food plans. This starts with a goal of losing 20 pounds.
- To fight my cravings a lot better than I have.
- To combat the triggers (YES DAMN IT, I SAID TRIGGERS.) that usually drive me to binge: people hurting my feelings, stressing out, and fucking boredom.
- To complete my supernatural drama by the end of this year. I am tired of sitting on it.
- To actively save 1000 dollars in my savings account. Not touching it, not moving it around, not shaving off 40 bucks.
- To make a strong return to my poetry, as that’s the only way to curb my emotions. It’s raw, it’s gritty, it’s sad, self-absorbed, very Millennial, but it keeps me grounded and far away from being destructive.
- To take better care of myself, despite the crippling depression. This is not easy, but I refuse to toss away the amazing baby-faced genetics my family has given me.
- To practice, whether or not my so-called SGI family here in TN is willing to take me to Murray for meetings.
- To take the advice of people who have “climbed the mountain”, but have forgotten what the struggle is like with various grains of sand, salt, and mustard seed sizes of faith and whatnot. Some of it is sagely, but a lot of it is deadass judgement, and I usually seek support and solace, not the kind of “honesty” some people couldn’t gauge to save their lives.
- To return to video games, when I have the time.
- Not to “make do” because of this TN thing, but invest time in myself. “You’re here for a reason” rings in my ear, but my restless soul says “you were thrown here because nobody ever knows what to do with you”.
- To make my 30s what I want them to be, mixed with responsibility and challenges, but NOT what other people think they need to be. Getting a lot of mixed messages about this, but seeing so many people who are my age or in my range that were late bloomers too.
- To clap back and defend myself. Milktoast is not my name-o. This surprises people and they often put me in the wrong for defending myself, but who is the one who stepped on my tail? Riiiight.
- To stop chasing/checking for people who would rather give me silence and punishments than address me like an adult. I chase no one. Not anymore.
- To master roasting a chicken. Just to say I can.
- To continue to walk the imperfect path of loving myself.
The list is ongoing and ever-changing.