I’m just here, with my delicious crystal-based coffee, thinking about myself and my past. Not exactly a brand new theme. When I reflect on myself, or how others have come and gone in my life, sometimes I think that I give off the written air that I am perfect and without fault. If you get into conversation with these past people, you’ll have a list. A very unpretty list.
I don’t walk away from any post thinking that I was always the sweet one, or the right one. My 20’s were filled with awfulness, stupidity, and a lot of regretful moves. Iced out phone calls, stubborn brat behavior, and simply not knowing how to act in certain situations. The karma is unpleasant, but yes, I know why I suffer on certain fronts.
However, within the sphere of super crappy behavior, their was still heartbreak. There were still things that made me question my worth and my place in people’s lives. But I cannot forget that in some moments, I was a complete jerk. Usually as a reaction, but often because of what I needed to know and grow from as a person.
I’m at a brand new chapter of my life where all the pieces just aren’t fitting together yet, but the canvas is wide enough for me to take what I’ve learned from other places, and apply them to other sides of the picture. I can’t speak for what/how other people will see this or treat me, but I can account for myself. I can decide that I want to carry myself in a different way. I realize this means I will slip up and probably slip up often, but my intent won’t be malicious.
After a long talk with my dad the other day, I guess it inspired me to think over crappy behavior. It inspired me to go over moments of anger when I could have approached things in a different way. He says to me “when I get angry, I walk away.” I mean, we can’t always walk away, but he’s referring more to things that used to automatically get into his craw. Things that would have him explode at the drop of a hat. He’s not naturally an angry person–he just doesn’t like crap.
I thought of the things that tend to bother me. Sexism, racism, just outright crappy treatment of fat people. I thought of the people who grate on my last nerve for stupid things. How I look, what I have on….just…ugh. I thought of people who hurt the folks I adore on various platforms. They bother me, and some of them are so temporary and a part of life that I’m too old to react. Others–they require a swift hand and a person to pick their battles. My days of e-battles are few and in between. I have a few, but lose interest so quickly. I care, but then not so much.
The perfect person does not exist. I mean, okay she exists…..but I mean perfection is in the eye of the beholder. There are no perfect people, and I think all of us have some thing or things that are regrettable/unfavorable about who we are/were.
(Just like I was supposed to stop talking about certain people posts and posts ago. Can we get back to that?)