I have to be super offensive for a minute.

Listen.

You are probably not someone’s fix for depression.

You might be something that makes the days better, you might be a shoulder to cry on, and you might be their support….

…..

….but don’t get mad and puffed up if they have a moment of depression. Don’t be salty just because they still have it.

If you know somebody who had it and got over it, that’s great. That’s them. Don’t tell that to the person you’re with, who is still going through something. Whether it is chemical or circumstantial, whether it is BOTH–don’t fucking compare them to other people. That makes it WORSE.

Why do people get so offended when you have depression?

“I’m here, so you should be happy and better.”

Well,

I had these feelings before I met you. I had them before I even knew what they were. I could never afford to get help for them. I’ve been analyzed a few times. Anxiety, Depression. Simple, direct. I know what I have.

You are a wonderful person. You are also a very annoying and hurtful person at times. You’re impatient and don’t understand things a lot, sometimes.

I think this is one of those big things.

You cannot expect me to erase all of this overnight. You say “I don’t”, but the commentary says otherwise. You are here, yes. I am happier, yes. But this thing isn’t going away so fast. And it would be incredibly great if my “supporter” would stop commenting on it like it’s a series of paperwork or some annoying thing they can’t handle.

I hear the tired tone in your voice.

I hear the exasperated sighs.

I feel/see/hear the inconsideration.

You are not medication. You are not a mental health doctor. You are but one imperfect person. I ask you to be there for me, not make all these comments about why I need to be happy.

That also implies I’m ungrateful for you being here.

There are so many things, I think, that need to change between us. If people are willing to change. It seems like we care so much, we talk about doing the work, but the obstacles make it harder.

Traveling, opinions, moods, excuses, family traits.

I mean…

You found a way to cope and be stronger than you know. I find ways to cope. But sometimes it’s overwhelming. It just simply is.

Well,

that’s all I had to say.

I think I’m supposed to be smiling and suffering in perfect silence or something. People–most of them–would rather not hear that you’re sad in such a world of privilege. I see what I have. Trust me, I see it.

I see it.

Not every moment is dark by the way.

Not every case of depression is textbook.

You cannot always solve every problem.

Just be there for me. WITHOUT the snarky commentary.

Yes, it’s snarky.

I wrote a poem about what it’s like for me.

Advertisements

Crossroads, Crossroads….

This thing about who goes where keeps coming up. Everyone has their feelings about why the other person should come, and now even outsiders have thoughts and commentary. Assurance was provided, but now a new conversation has my head spinning. Who’s right? Who needs to make the move for the next encounter? Who’s wrong? What’s this sinking feeling in my chest that eventually the bottom is going to fall out?

I know. Don’t think like that. Don’t speak on it. Yet here it is, in my face. I’m not made of money. I’m not in a position to pick up and go. I held my head high and wrote a long letter of honesty about it, and now that’s being seen as guilt. I’m broke, I’m working a job that barely pays, I’m in school, and I can’t split studying with pleasure. What’s so hard to get about that? Why does it still feel like this is all my fault, and the other person doesn’t get it?

So I went to Amtrak, Megabus, and Greyhound, the crappy company that I took on the way back. I don’t have a choice, as I don’t have a car, and now it seems like even “the usual” is asking too much. That was me going to Nashville, them picking me up, and us going to Brentwood. This last time, we took a 4 hour drive back after meeting up in Nashville. I mean, what can I say? I keep saying things. They keep getting bounced back. Last time I checked, I thought we were just trying to be together.

I am frustrated. I feel unheard in this situation. Or misunderstood. I don’t have a lot of options, and I’m not asking the moon of them. You need help with gas, take my card. You want some food, fine, let’s get a burger on the road. But don’t stand there acting like you don’t know what my life is like, and then expecting this over the top output.

Are relationships supposed to be this hard?

I’m trying to me be real as possible, not a guilt tripper.

I know they’re trying. It just seems like maybe they don’t think I am. Or I’m not willing. It just seems like everything else but this traveling and getting together thing are easy and come naturally. It’s complicating itself because we won’t bend. We can’t see eye to eye. I think that this is easier for people who have cars and jobs and steady paying jobs. Not so much for odd 30-somethings who don’t have it all together. For us, there’s an endless set of limitations to climb up and over. For us, things like long distance love become incredibly difficult.

The only other thing that I can think of is moving to GA. This costs money. This requires a lot more than I have going on. I can’t graduate fast enough, I can’t make money fast enough. Or find time enough. So we’re all these unsatisfied people with big dreams and slow progress.

I can’t believe he’d actually think any part of this is on purpose. I think that part bothers me the most. Even when I write a letter explaining everything, it still feels like this is lowkey my fault. I can’t just sit here and not do anything. That makes it worse. I don’t know what to do, but I need to do something.

I….

I am frustrated.

But like most major things, I will carry it quietly. I don’t know how to solve this right away. I can’t. And he’s upset and lonely and tossing hints at me that hurt more than he knows.

I don’t know what else to say.

Vital Information For Yo Romantic Life

Listen to Roni.

Stop. Talking. About. Other. Partners.

I don’t want to just say “other women”, because there are lots of relationships out there with people who identify as a certain gender, or do not identify at all. But in my case, it’s other women. I’m tired of it. I get that conversation takes two people to work the back n forth, but the last thing I want to hear about is some other chick and what she did/who she was.

This is the Roni show. You tuned in to experience life with me. If I’m tuned to the Partner I Chose show, extend the respect. I don’t. Want to hear. What some other woman. Would have done. In my situation.

I don’t!

tumblr_inline_mudb6ob3mq1soe0jt

I don’t want to hear about how limber she was, as I’ve told you I feel like my weight is holding me back in some ways. That’s why I joined Jenny frickin’ Craig. I want to lose weight. I want to be as limber as I was when I was younger and smaller. I DON’T care that she was bigger and she could do it all.

She ain’t me.

You’re no longer tuned to her channel. Unsubscribe.

I don’t want to hear about how some other chick was able to take pills. Or that she took a bunch a day. WHATEVA. I don’t swallow them well. I always have to hide them in something to swallow them. I need pills for very few things. Her story isn’t helping.

She ain’t me.

You’re no longer speaking, right? Why’s she on your mind?

My thing is this–I don’t feel comfortable hearing about other people in this way. It’s different from sex stories and things that help me understand what I need to do to show you I am a caring partner, and not a total harpy. It’s different from things that help me learn why maybe you might be cynical, uneasy, or closed off about certain things. It’s different, because those things are relevant.

If I’m exposing a part of myself to you, that is not an open moment to tell me about someone who is able, someone who might be better, or someone who just is different. If they are all in the past, what are they doing in the future? What does this have to do with anything else?

The rub is that this is indeed insecurity. I can own up to that. It makes me uncomfortable, because I already feel like I’m this super different, super young idiot who hasn’t been in a relationship in about 9 years. I’m trying to not be so rusty as a sensual, easy going, all in wit the flow kind of chick. I will always do my own thing and be myself, but I’m trying to be a decent girlfriend. I am not a put together person. I am 31 and still feel like I am stuck in my 2os sometimes.

Hearing examples from these women, who at some point made the cut and probably had jobs and lives and their own apartments…..

….and I’m just trying not to get into argument 900 with this outspoken guy….

….and I want to be happy on a fair, even playing field.

Is this just my crazy ass, or is constantly hearing about other people in irrelevant situations just truly annoying?

tumblr_ndzfs5F4rL1sipm1io1_500.gif

I’m insecure and trying to live and be strong.

Have understanding.