I don’t have any sarcasm for this moment, no explanation, and certainly no sad poem or playlist for it. Not a recent playlist, anyway. Just the usual. I apparently don’t have the sense to not post my sorrow online. I guess some habits just never die.

I will not dwell, as I did drafting endless letters to explain myself. Closed every single one. Let frustration build. I guess that made me less of a woman, because I handled it poorly. It’s only been a few days, but so little has been said, and I think so much has been felt. I still don’t know what to say, aside from a tired “I’m sorry” that probably drowned in a sea of other emails. The courage to call faded quickly. Seems like my so-called strength only comes when somebody dies, or some textbook adversity shows up. Anyone could be strong for things like that.

Everything dealing with Charlottesville made me feel worse. Made me feel scared, made me wonder if TN is even right for me. Since I cancelled Chicago out, where else can I go? Especially with no money. The fact that people got so up in arms about…a statue and their feelings of threat and whatnot–kind of reminds me of some of the people here who can get just as crusty about heritage. Still, I want somebody to say “heritage not hate” after what I saw in the comments and on my TV. Three people died because of this.

I know this sounds stupid, but I looked up a very famous Internet personality from that same area. Yes, that person. She was at a convention or whatever, smiling and living life. I thought it was peculiar, but you can’t expect every citizen there to be glued to what’s happening. I excused myself from all of that to binge eat and mutter all night. A few chapters from Episode, and some in-between watches of Rocko and I Love Lucy, and I ate less n mellowed more.

This will be temporary.

Those of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves and feel deeply tend to go through spells of feels and no feels.

I will try to spare the world the various acts of my drama.


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