Constant….

I wish I could play it cool, but I was so relieved to be wrong about Darren. I felt bad for being so self-absorbed as to why I thought he was ditching the old lady, especially after he opened up a bit about what his new job was like. It’s hard, admirable work, but by the sounds of it, it’s the kind of slave-driving work meant for robots–not people. So, I decided to chant for him. Maybe he’ll get a higher score and land a cooler position. Maybe he’ll escape the torment of six hours of mail sack slingin’. Just as long as we’re still on the trail of being cool friend-like people, I will be very happy.

Then, another thing happened. A Jeff thing happened. Now, keep in mind I’m thinking to myself he’s done and over this lady. I mean, seeing that comment post about that whole “mine!” thing honestly hurt. I had a lot of resentment and sadness going on with him already, considering the fact that…well…you know…stuff. Don’t want to start writing about it again. Getting a sudden kik message from him a few nights ago kinda shocked me. He’s in the ER, passed out and on much needed bed rest. Didn’t take care of himself, still being selfless, hadn’t been eating. The mothering/wife-like/concerned part of me just fell. I tried hard not to get all preachy and worried-like on him, knowing full well it’s just a bad look to do so. I was concerned!

His mission is to be this selfless person, always helping other people. I had to carefully point out to him that if he’s incapacitated, he can’t work on that mission. Despite his unconditional drive to help and help, I reminded him that he needed time for himself. A foreign concept to the man, but…I care about him. Things…didn’t work out right, but he’s not a bad person. Tied down, maybe. Tied up? He’s also starting training to be an EMT. So, he’s got a dream.

He asked about Darren briefly, which kinda threw me off. No idea why he asked. Maybe he just wanted to know. Strange, but, general conversation maybe?

Talking to both of these guys just…reminded me of how I don’t really have a hang or a reign on the old life. Things come and go, sometimes they come back. Sometimes they’re constant, sometimes you lose them in an instant. Thinking I lost Jeff and then being told “don’t assume…I’m always here…” kind threw me off. Having Darren say he missed me like crazy was a shock. I usually don’t think people miss me. Or, like me that much. Or think of me, or whatever. I think I’m easily forgotten and gotten over.

I forget that some relationships can neither be defined, nor do they ever have an end. Even in death, some part of them lingers on. In life, they may be constant, might have hiatus time, might have huge chunks that make it seem like they’re over. When they come back, it’s like old times again. You realize what you’ve missed/been missing.

I gripe about change and “never again”, failing to understand the true power of fate. I can still meet new people and develop relationships. However, being too quick to throw away older relationships for…I guess we’d say emotional or circumstantial issues might not be the best call. Even when it gets rough–to the point of anger, tears, or rough entries–one cannot forget better times.

Now, would I have both these men in the same room?

No. o_o

Let’s not get crazy.

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I’m sitting here like “Oh GOD please don’t let him think any of those poems I’ve written lately (about missing people and saying stuff) were about him.” Just…please. I realize the timing is interesting and bad, but that last one with that topic was about something I was just feeling after a talk with someone else. The “honesty” post was a reactionary thing when I noticed a response by my twice-baked ex on a post. I just got the confirmation he was over me. I want to say something, but I’m cringing at the fact that I have to do that. Am I boring him already? Am I thinking too hard about this, forgetting that he has a new job? Granted, I’m pretty dang annoying, but come on–I’m not out for trouble. I’m just a poofy-haired screwball hoping she still has a friend/pseudo-friend/kinda-maybe-sorta friend.

I haven’t heard from him in a while, so of course my brain goes to that place of thinking he’s either seen a poem/poems, thought it was about him, or just got plain old bored. And I’m too pansy-filled to just text and ask him. So much for boldness!

That’s crazy, though. I wrote some poems and they were actually about thoughts about Jeff. As far as I’m concerned, Darren and I have/had a clean slate. And I’m actually getting pretty sad and all pathetic about him going away again. I really don’t want that to happen. When I was thinking about him the other night, I was actually thinking about all the times we acted like pure idiots. I mean, you can’t just go out to the affluent part of Beverly, barking at 2 in the morning with just anyone. He probably forgot all that kind of stuff, but I was really myself back then.

Alas–the world does not revolve around this pear-shaped catbear. So in my hopeful mind, this is a job thing. He’s working for the Post Office, probably slaving to death, and maybe he’s coming home very tired just to get up and work again. It kinda sucks not hearing from him, but jumping to conclusions and then turning into a sourpuss doesn’t help either.

Such is the life of a writer.

Does he know those things weren’t for him?

Or, am I really on the chopping block already?

Woe and sighs. Woe and sighs.

I really should text him, but I’m openly afraid to do so. 😦

(I’m strange and awkward, and it’s kinda really sorta truly not a good thing.)

Until you really love me,

Promise me you’ll never say something stupid

Just to convince yourself

how much you think you need me.

Once you don’t,

Who’s really picking up the pieces?