Bless my father’s wisdom, he tries ever so hard to make sure his late-blooming seed isn’t a complete mess. He also suggests that I work hard on trying to purge thoughts that do not belong, and pretty much stop the endless high-functioning that is my brain. It’s not a snooty thing, but it’s almost impossible to explain to his logical side why my illogical, artistic, fancy, and all-around emotional side cannot always do this. Sometimes I’m searching for things while I remember and think. To get there, I have to cross some bridges and wade through murky waters. I’m learning and trying to understand something. Get some wisdom. Grow. Gotta review, fer fudge’s sake. It’s ugly, it’s stupid, it’s probably costing me my sanity, but it sorta works.
So he tells me at some point of our conversations on life that life is too short, and I need to make peace with those whom I may not be at peace with. That’s a lot of people. From crappy friendships that fell apart for foolish pre-teen reasons to disrespectful exes who used my sweeter side for their own egos, it’s a long list. I haven’t even touched down on current crushes who’ve acted like they wanted me, but actually had gfs or addictive exes whom they’re still in pretty tight trysts with. I have ignored and saviored them. I have ignored those exes long ago–blocking them from all social media to avoid any kind of hippie movement they could eventually pounce on. You know the story–nothing good comes of it, and I’m not about to gain another 40 crying to Sade and eating sugar at night. I’m still battling to lose the 30 I gained.
So, yes, I did try to be an open, thoughtful, and loving adult. I sat at my computer ready to unblock. Then, I stopped myself. I thought about it–if they discover the opportunity is there, at least one of them is going to try it. Not out of honesty, not out of love, but because of my availability, and their last resort. Do I want to do that, again? Thus, my mind spoke:
WHAT A CRUDE STATEMENT.
WHAT A QUESTION.
But it’s what I needed to stop myself. I laugh, watching the cute kitty keep in time, but it’s so true. What the fu*k are you doing? What the fu*k are you doing?! This is advice suited for individuals with bridges that could be mended. Not ashes already on the ground that are becoming a part of the earth. Not meant for bridges that should have never been built nor blue-printed in the first place. Despite the fact that those pre-teen friends all see me as a NUT, I’d have a better shot talking it out with THEM than anyone else.
I chose and choose not to contact any of these people, though. I hate to say I let the advice go into one ear and out the other, but some bridges need to remain where they are, as they are. Applying blood, sweat, and tears to be peaceful seems nice until you’ve got folks planting bombs of ulterior motives on the foundation of your work. It doesn’t feel very good to have it blown up in your face. My father’s wisdom is wonderful, but he has no idea how incompatible it is with certain situations. I’d love to have all peace, all the time, but some people are not meant to have another season in your life–temporary or not. Door open, or door closed and unlocked.
Do you know how LONG it took me to accept that? How HARD I have to fight myself all the time to stop romanticizing people who really, REALLY hurt me? We all are where we’re meant to be. I don’t want to get used again, and a good lot of them aren’t thinking of me, anyway. If they are, it’s probably not something good. Being a softie is tough territory–people tend to use you….a LOT.
My journey of loving myself—FOR REAL—requires lots of protection. As much as I’d love to love certain people or be with them, they’ve proven that they no longer want to be around, or just don’t have the capacity to treat me right. Why should I remain open–at any time–for them to have another chance to rip me from the inside out again? Or, become more damaged and then I hurt someone new and great? I have to keep working on myself. I wish them well, but things will not be rebuilt.
I let the advice flow for about 30 hours time. I walked with it all day. People change, feelings change, but I’d rather not take the risk. I need to experience my present and future, not keep looking to my past “just to make some peace”. There are some things that…well…we won’t say are at war, but they’re not at peace, either.
Now, if we see each other on the street, I pray that we can be civil. I won’t be “that person” who gets snooty or rude. We can be adults, we can say our hellos….but we must say our goodbyes in that same breath. Involvement and deep compassion….I can’t invest that.
But alas, don’t mind these rambles. I just needed to get these musings off my chest.
Believe me, outside of all these complex thoughts, I’m the last thing on anyone’s mind, lol.