Well, it’s been a million years since I’ve even touched this blog, and I decided to come here and blabber cuz there’s really nowhere else to go. I’m currently leaning very close to another Tumblr hiatus, frustrated with the scene and myself. Then I realized how…reliant I became concerning the site. It’s got so many things hooked up to it, and it suddenly became the “thing”. It suddenly became the informant, but also the source of a LOT of misery, envy, sorrow, and blah blah….I’m human.
I don’t like that feeling. In Buddhism, it’s what we call the “lesser self”. Boy, was she talking to me tonight. Telling me I’m lame because I’m single, telling me I’m pathetic because I haven’t had intercourse in X amount of years, and of course job issues, relationships in my face, folks’ happiness, and my favorite–weight weight weight. She topped the sorrow cherry by reminding me of my real life, too. Oh, what a pill! To make that long story short, it’s like I have an energy about me that makes people avoid me like the plague of plagues unless we’re forced to do group work. Maybe it’s how I look or whatever…so…there’s that. I’m a big ol bear just trying to educate herself–not cause trouble or drama or misfortune.
This is indeed a pity party, and I’ve crawled out the hole before. I’m sure I will at a later date, if not tomorrow. It just doesn’t turn off and on like a light. In any case, having these horrible and flawed feelings makes me cringe. Getting jealous and feeling like crap about other people’s successes and happiness…es…is a bad look all around. I just felt like, tonight, I couldn’t stand to be on the one social spot that actually made me feel okay about being fat, black, strange, and whatever else I’ve labeled myself as.
Other so called spaces just did not compare, and I felt like I was with “my people”. But in typical nyeeeh fashion, it just feels like these days…I’m my own little island, and even the slightest interactions barely get a hit. So I’m sittin there like “hey dude thought we were cool!” and “hey man, you’re always talking about how lonely and bored you are, so…what’s up?”
But alas, 28 is way too old to be caring about such trivial little things. Things that won’t matter 20 years from now. Just like all the shit that happened 20 years prior, although it hasn’t been forgotten. I envy those with the power to let go. It just seems like my lesser self loves to hold on and remind me of EVERYTHING, taking me away from happiness and consciousness of this current living space. So all at once, I just feel so heavy, invisible, alone, and useless. When I become useful, even that seems…falsified. As if my usefulness comes with certain things. Other than that, who am I? Some kid a man and a woman raised as their little hope….only to fail and some change.
In 3 months time, things have shifted. I did get into school. I don’t plan on dropping out or fucking up this time. I’ve drifted a ways away from my faith, knowing good and well what Daimoku does for me. I got appointed as the YWD of my district, but have yet to step up and BE that person. I hit the brakes on a lot of toxic things that were bad for me, but opened up a brand new can of acid to gargle down my throat. Writing has taken a break, as well.
And that’s the report. Life is life, tunnels are darker, I have no idea who I am anymore.