Midterm Week

Crashing and burning seems to be the theme of my semesters at UT Martin, and that’s usually halfway. That’s what happened with Math, the Ethics class, and the frickin Geology class. I keep overwhelming myself. I never learn. So I’m tackling this as hard as I possibly can. I’m not giving up. I’m annoyed, I’m tired, and I think I need a break from this babysitting job (because I’m getting paid sporadically, not at the end of every month, and I don’t want to be a dick cuz this is family, but A: Savings account is pitiful and B: Checking account is worse.) to fully gather myself.

I have decided that I want to move back to Chicago. I can’t afford it now, but I want to go back. I want to live in one of those nice apartments that cost 900 a month, I want to eat the food I like, freeze how I want to, and become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m tired of faking the “make do” of this life in TN. I think the last straw was being ditched Sunday for an SGI meeting, with everyone suddenly so sick and unable to get me.

I get it. I’m uninteresting and pathetic. But small town life has sort of done only two things: 1: made me binge eat out of emotions and boredom 2: encouraged my shopping addiction. I’m unhappy here, but it’s not like I have anywhere else to go. And just sitting here pouting sort of makes people pay attention to you.

This has inspired me to create some new goals to help finance my future move, as well as maintaining my wavering spirits. I have depended on the opinions of others, who have already judged me. I am looking to myself, now. My goals:

  1. To stay true to this Jenny Craig thing, on top of fitness, until I am able to plot out my own food plans. This starts with a goal of losing 20 pounds.
  2. To fight my cravings a lot better than I have.
  3. To combat the triggers (YES DAMN IT, I SAID TRIGGERS.) that usually drive me to binge: people hurting my feelings, stressing out, and fucking boredom.
  4. To complete my supernatural drama by the end of this year. I am tired of sitting on it.
  5. To actively save 1000 dollars in my savings account. Not touching it, not moving it around, not shaving off 40 bucks.
  6. To make a strong return to my poetry, as that’s the only way to curb my emotions. It’s raw, it’s gritty, it’s sad, self-absorbed, very Millennial, but it keeps me grounded and far away from being destructive.
  7. To take better care of myself, despite the crippling depression. This is not easy, but I refuse to toss away the amazing baby-faced genetics my family has given me.
  8. To practice, whether or not my so-called SGI family here in TN is willing to take me to Murray for meetings.
  9. To take the advice of people who have “climbed the mountain”, but have forgotten what the struggle is like with various grains of sand, salt, and mustard seed sizes of faith and whatnot. Some of it is sagely, but a lot of it is deadass judgement, and I usually seek support and solace, not the kind of “honesty” some people couldn’t gauge to save their lives.
  10. To return to video games, when I have the time.
  11. Not to “make do” because of this TN thing, but invest time in myself. “You’re here for a reason” rings in my ear, but my restless soul says “you were thrown here because nobody ever knows what to do with you”.
  12. To make my 30s what I want them to be, mixed with responsibility and challenges, but NOT what other people think they need to be. Getting a lot of mixed messages about this, but seeing so many people who are my age or in my range that were late bloomers too.
  13. To clap back and defend myself. Milktoast is not my name-o. This surprises people and they often put me in the wrong for defending myself, but who is the one who stepped on my tail? Riiiight.
  14. To stop chasing/checking for people who would rather give me silence and punishments than address me like an adult. I chase no one. Not anymore.
  15. To master roasting a chicken. Just to say I can.
  16. To continue to walk the imperfect path of loving myself.

The list is ongoing and ever-changing.

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I talked to A the other day.

Things have changed. At least that’s what I think. By the time I get the balls to ask him if they have, they’ll probably have changed some more. That’s the messed up part of being in like with me–eventually my charm wears off. It happens. I’ve accepted it.

A small section of my uncool being was relieved to have some time to chat with him, but sort of longed for the days of three hour whatnots we once shared. I suppose that two whole weeks with me was far too long, and we probably won’t be talking any longer than about 45 minutes, if that.

I’m respecting his space, because he is still working, still job hunting, and I guess making sweet hand love to BattleBorn all night long. I sort of hate that part, but understand it. I used to game like that too. But, when we were together, I sort of resented it. I love games too, but I was sort of expecting to see less of the back of his head, and more of his lips in my face. I didn’t really speak on it, because that’s his thing. Helps him think or whatever. I messed up so much while I was there, anyway. How would it look to tell him he plays games too much? Right.

Then I realized I need to be busier, with four classes under my belt. I’m wasting my time a bit much, and I’ll be far behind before I know it. I will either have to cut babysitting time, or utilize those hours better. In any case, While I’m worrying about A and losing him, I need to do less of that and worry more about my GPA. I screwed up two classes last semester, and I want to show this school I don’t suck that bad.

I have about three to four months of all of that, and honestly I’m already tired. I need sleep and happiness and a better diet, and some reassurance.

My default at the moment is sadness and loneliness, but when I see Imani at 10, it will change. I’m trying so hard to be happy, and not worry about everything. I “have everything”, according to some people, but all iPhones and a roof over my head aside, it’s my spirit that has always felt broken and strange. My soul that needs restoration. I haven’t chanted in ages. I’m almost afraid to in this house.

Imma shut my eyes for two hours, wake up, rush to clean, and suck down some coffee. I will hug myself, I guess. I will try to be some kind of woman. I like A and I want to be with him, but he’s doing his own thing right now. I don’t want to hound him. Sometimes I have stuff to say to him, but again–this vibe i’m feeling says stay back a bit.

And with that, hello nap.

Since New Year’s, my brain has been telling me to write entries. Then I stop, save them to draft, then delete later. I just can’t get out what I want to say. Is it too gritty? Too honest? Too many hard feelings for a new year? Why is my brain inspiring me and stopping me at the same time? It just doesn’t feel right soon as I get to the end of the piece. Funny thing, today my uncle asked how my writing was going. I write poetry every now and then, but I seem to be losing my muse…again. Once you write about heartbreak over exes who been around since ’04 (and keep coming back only to leave again…), things get kind of stale.

I think I stopped myself because, again, I worry that people will think this post and that post is about them–assuming in my self-absorbed world if they’re really out here checking for Tweet updates on latest posts. All I can say is this–there was one thing I really wanted, the universe played with me a bit like I was gonna get it, and I lost it…again. Silence is murder to me with that situation. I’m feeling a little wacky about it, but I also sort of saw it coming and wanted to deny it. Life goes on. People change their minds…for whatever valid reason they think is good enough.

Anyway, there’s no way to avoid bitterness and sadness sometimes. To dwell and examine it like I used to…ehhh…there’s too much life to live. Sometimes things happen just to mess with you, just to hurt you, just to see if you will be stopped. I cannot stop with so much world to see and understand.

All I will say is this–sincerity is a wonderful thing. Actions, investment, TRUTH. Concern, questions, dialogue can do wonders. Take it from an extreme introvert–words unsaid do a lot of damage. Some people like it that way, and wonder why the results always stay the same. I can only be there for you if you’re willing to let me be.

New year, new day.