To Rebuild or Not?

Bless my father’s wisdom, he tries ever so hard to make sure his late-blooming seed isn’t a complete mess. He also suggests that I work hard on trying to purge thoughts that do not belong, and pretty much stop the endless high-functioning that is my brain. It’s not a snooty thing, but it’s almost impossible to explain to his logical side why my illogical, artistic, fancy, and all-around emotional side cannot always do this. Sometimes I’m searching for things while I remember and think. To get there, I have to cross some bridges and wade through murky waters. I’m learning and trying to understand something. Get some wisdom. Grow. Gotta review, fer fudge’s sake. It’s ugly, it’s stupid, it’s probably costing me my sanity, but it sorta works.

Mostly.

So he tells me at some point of our conversations on life that life is too short, and I need to make peace with those whom I may not be at peace with. That’s a lot of people. From crappy friendships that fell apart for foolish pre-teen reasons to disrespectful exes who used my sweeter side for their own egos, it’s a long list. I haven’t even touched down on current crushes who’ve acted like they wanted me, but actually had gfs or addictive exes whom they’re still in pretty tight trysts with. I have ignored and saviored them. I have ignored those exes long ago–blocking them from all social media to avoid any kind of hippie movement they could eventually pounce on. You know the story–nothing good comes of it, and I’m not about to gain another 40 crying to Sade and eating sugar at night. I’m still battling to lose the 30 I gained.

So, yes, I did try to be an open, thoughtful, and loving adult. I sat at my computer ready to unblock. Then, I stopped myself. I thought about it–if they discover the opportunity is there, at least one of them is going to try it. Not out of honesty, not out of love, but because of my availability, and their last resort. Do I want to do that, again? Thus, my mind spoke:

bazqF

I KNOW.

WHAT A CRUDE STATEMENT.

WHAT A QUESTION.

But it’s what I needed to stop myself. I laugh, watching the cute kitty keep in time, but it’s so true. What the fu*k are you doing? What the fu*k are you doing?! This is advice suited for individuals with bridges that could be mended. Not ashes already on the ground that are becoming a part of the earth. Not meant for bridges that should have never been built nor blue-printed in the first place. Despite the fact that those pre-teen friends all see me as a NUT, I’d have a better shot talking it out with THEM than anyone else.

I chose and choose not to contact any of these people, though. I hate to say I let the advice go into one ear and out the other, but some bridges need to remain where they are, as they are. Applying blood, sweat, and tears to be peaceful seems nice until you’ve got folks planting bombs of ulterior motives on the foundation of your work. It doesn’t feel very good to have it blown up in your face. My father’s wisdom is wonderful, but he has no idea how incompatible it is with certain situations. I’d love to have all peace, all the time, but some people are not meant to have another season in your life–temporary or not. Door open, or door closed and unlocked.

Do you know how LONG it took me to accept that? How HARD I have to fight myself all the time to stop romanticizing people who really, REALLY hurt me? We all are where we’re meant to be. I don’t want to get used again, and a good lot of them aren’t thinking of me, anyway. If they are, it’s probably not something good. Being a softie is tough territory–people tend to use you….a LOT.

My journey of loving myself—FOR REAL—requires lots of protection. As much as I’d love to love certain people or be with them, they’ve proven that they no longer want to be around, or just don’t have the capacity to treat me right. Why should I remain open–at any time–for them to have another chance to rip me from the inside out again? Or, become more damaged and then I hurt someone new and great? I have to keep working on myself. I wish them well, but things will not be rebuilt.

I let the advice flow for about 30 hours time. I walked with it all day. People change, feelings change, but I’d rather not take the risk. I need to experience my present and future, not keep looking to my past “just to make some peace”. There are some things that…well…we won’t say are at war, but they’re not at peace, either.

Now, if we see each other on the street, I pray that we can be civil. I won’t be “that person” who gets snooty or rude. We can be adults, we can say our hellos….but we must say our goodbyes in that same breath. Involvement and deep compassion….I can’t invest that.

But alas, don’t mind these rambles. I just needed to get these musings off my chest.

Believe me, outside of all these complex thoughts, I’m the last thing on anyone’s mind, lol.

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Thoughts.

I need to be in bed, but my mind is always telling me to write stuff. The motivation just comes, and I don’t always pay attention to it. The wisdom and ability to understand situations continues to unfold thanks to my time with Nichiren Buddhism. This morning, I guess writing is on my mind, because the people in my life know that’s how I get my feelings out. However, they might be under the impression that some of these feelings are…concrete and permanent.

Most of the time, they’re usually just passing fancy, and mean just as much as I’ve presented. The timing, however can be bad. The interpretation with a hint of “my past” might make it worse. Not that it’s true, but maybe that’s why certain people backed away, cut off contact. Maybe they thought I wanted more based on…what…being human and remembering the best parts of relationships?

Would have been better to ask where I was coming from, but it happens. Means something, in the long run. As most writers will tell you, sometimes that text will get you in a world of trouble with someone. Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow. Someday, someone. The only thing is this–I have/had the common sense not to “go there” outside of my thoughts. What I can’t control is what kind of sense the other person has. Sometimes, things fall apart.

It’s unfortunate, but I’m not stressed about it. I think of things. I think of people a lot. As much as I’d like to forget the hurt and sorrow, there’s just some people that stick in my head and heart. Someday when there is someone new, I will make room for them, and past doors will be closed.

And now…bed.

(But seriously, anyone out there who’s googling me and trying to see what I’m saying about them–don’t get it twisted. I might think of you from time to time, but lesson’s learned. I’m def. not trying to get anything poppin with contacts, meetups, or sweet words.)

Late @ Night

Grooving to 3rd Eye Girl’s Livestream. Thinking about people. Thinking about investments, and totally editing the fuck out of this entry. I love detail, I want to go into detail about the two people I’m thinking of. I want to talk about why I’m invested in both of them. I want to say they are special, they are handsome, interesting, funny. I want to say a lot of things. I want to say how one makes me laugh hysterically. I want to say how the other makes me think of the future I’ve feared will never happen. I want to say how both of them make me feel great. I want to say I like them both, but don’t want to jump any more guns or scare either one off. I dig both of them in different ways, though. But things are layered.

I like it when people are invested in me. Or when people are unafraid to tell me how they feel about me. And it doesn’t have to be romantic stuff. I mean yeah I liked to be flirted with, but just knowing people appreciate me….just makes me feel like I have a place in this world. And if I ever went away, maybe people would be sad. And well, maybe that’s why I feel such an investment in both people. That’s why I don’t want to say or do something stupid to lose either one. Wouldn’t that suck? Oh hey Roni, neither one of us likes you, bye. XD That’s the stuff I fear.

At the moment, I’m just glad to have them both in my company. Although atm neither one is exactly talking to the catbear, lol. Either asleep or busy. I’m like a Tamagotchi, people. You know you have to check on me and feed me. Beep beep beep. For now, as I’m just myself, just trying to live…I’m hoping these two creatures will continue being themselves. They are special just as they are, and time will tell where we will be and what we will be to each other. No rush, no competition. Chocolate is always welcome.