Vital Information For Yo Romantic Life

Listen to Roni.

Stop. Talking. About. Other. Partners.

I don’t want to just say “other women”, because there are lots of relationships out there with people who identify as a certain gender, or do not identify at all. But in my case, it’s other women. I’m tired of it. I get that conversation takes two people to work the back n forth, but the last thing I want to hear about is some other chick and what she did/who she was.

This is the Roni show. You tuned in to experience life with me. If I’m tuned to the Partner I Chose show, extend the respect. I don’t. Want to hear. What some other woman. Would have done. In my situation.

I don’t!

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I don’t want to hear about how limber she was, as I’ve told you I feel like my weight is holding me back in some ways. That’s why I joined Jenny frickin’ Craig. I want to lose weight. I want to be as limber as I was when I was younger and smaller. I DON’T care that she was bigger and she could do it all.

She ain’t me.

You’re no longer tuned to her channel. Unsubscribe.

I don’t want to hear about how some other chick was able to take pills. Or that she took a bunch a day. WHATEVA. I don’t swallow them well. I always have to hide them in something to swallow them. I need pills for very few things. Her story isn’t helping.

She ain’t me.

You’re no longer speaking, right? Why’s she on your mind?

My thing is this–I don’t feel comfortable hearing about other people in this way. It’s different from sex stories and things that help me understand what I need to do to show you I am a caring partner, and not a total harpy. It’s different from things that help me learn why maybe you might be cynical, uneasy, or closed off about certain things. It’s different, because those things are relevant.

If I’m exposing a part of myself to you, that is not an open moment to tell me about someone who is able, someone who might be better, or someone who just is different. If they are all in the past, what are they doing in the future? What does this have to do with anything else?

The rub is that this is indeed insecurity. I can own up to that. It makes me uncomfortable, because I already feel like I’m this super different, super young idiot who hasn’t been in a relationship in about 9 years. I’m trying to not be so rusty as a sensual, easy going, all in wit the flow kind of chick. I will always do my own thing and be myself, but I’m trying to be a decent girlfriend. I am not a put together person. I am 31 and still feel like I am stuck in my 2os sometimes.

Hearing examples from these women, who at some point made the cut and probably had jobs and lives and their own apartments…..

….and I’m just trying not to get into argument 900 with this outspoken guy….

….and I want to be happy on a fair, even playing field.

Is this just my crazy ass, or is constantly hearing about other people in irrelevant situations just truly annoying?

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I’m insecure and trying to live and be strong.

Have understanding.

Calm Down

A moment presented itself while I faced a huge misunderstanding, and I felt salty on day one. This is day two, and I’ve decided to plot things out just like my father. The love, deep thought, and compassion of my mother will always be with me–I’m not going to let one or more people stop me from being me, just because they’ve had their light stepped on and snuffed out. But like my father, I’m also not going to hate and beat myself up. I’m not going to sulk and feel bad while not loving myself.

I decided to take hold of the “advice”, and work it to the fullest. I was super offended, because it was more like a father talking to his toddler, and not a mate talking to his partner. I was PISSED. Not even in my worst moments as a kid did my own father talk to me like that. I know I’m young and all, I know I’m mad jovial–but I’m not a pushover. I’m not going to sit around and be judged and talked down to.

I decided to go into my “corner”. Not a real corner. I’m not in my room right now, cowered in one spot. My “corner” refers to the things that make me happy. It refers to things that need to be done. It’s just me shutting some outlets off, excusing myself from certain people right now, and just really doing me. Keep in mind–I was told to reset and come back when I’m calm. So, I’m taking a play from my father’s book.

All I can say about the play is that for about one or two whole weeks, he did his own thing. He stayed in his own lane, he was the best Ron Williams he could possibly be, and all was right with his world. Sounds like a plan. How can I enjoy some weeks putting energy into me, myself, and I? Lots of ways.

  1. Continuing to hack away at the depression nest I made, because my room always becomes a shitstorm when that happens.
  2. Staying true to this JC thing.
  3. Getting some cute workout clothes. I already did that. They’re on the way.
  4. Working out. 15-30 minutes as a starter.
  5. Taking better care of myself. It’s amazing how neglect can mess you up when you’re not feeling your best.
  6. Working on my writing. All of it. Poetry, short stories, novels. Entering contests and all that.
  7. Binge watching Star Trek. My dad is a Trekkie. Maybe I want to become one too.
  8. Playing Lost Odyssey. FINALLY got a copy, finally playing it.
  9. Salvaging my grades. Geology is a bust and that needs to be retaken. But I have three other classes that have hope. I let shit get to me. I let myself get overwhelmed. Never again.
  10. Doing the babysitting thing.
  11. Listening to music. Finding new songs. Liking artists I’ve never given a good chance.

There is so much to do. There is so much to work on, and I have plenty of time to work on it. This isn’t a punishment, this isn’t a ruse to make anyone want or hate me more, this is just me taking tactical charge of rude advice. I am very calm, and very busy, darling.

Virgoan Burden

When you are an introvert, it’s different. I won’t say it’s special or it’s great, because feeling like you are annoying and socially messed up isn’t a good or special feeling. It’s actually pretty terrible, and messes with your confidence and self-worth. Maybe it makes you act different. Maybe it makes things harder. It makes you stand out sometimes, it makes you nervous, and it’s annoying and frustrating to see other people conquer it. It’s a kick in the sac when people think you’re nuts or look at you like you’re crazy, telling you how simple it is.

When you are an introvert, you find comfort and solace with your people. You feel like you belong when you’re able to open up and trust people with fears and doubts. You feel like maybe the world isn’t so bad, and that all people aren’t so totally untrustworthy. In the loud, crazy, intrusive world, you’ve found comfort within discomfort.

When you are an introvert, you’ve learned some hard lessons. You’ve learned that very few people want to hear your life story, and it’s easy to have people turn away from you when too much is revealed. You have been burnt, you have been or felt used, and you are cautious. You want to interact, obviously, but it’s difficult. You find yourself walking down one path over and over, when it comes to new friends, old friends, and folks you’re cool with:

“I hope I’m not bothering them.”

You get scolded for it, lovingly. Or in exasperated tones. Or it’s laughed at, or conversations are had about it. Dialogue and reassurance are key themes. Still, you say it to yourself. You stop yourself from that text or call. Long silences freak you out. You feel like a burden or a pity/charity case. Misunderstandings run wild, sometimes. Usually they are corrected.

Maybe this is just me. It’s not fair to group all introverts. I feel like a burden. I know you can’t get what you want all the time, and sometimes things change. Sometimes situations come up. I get it–trust me. My fears are prominent right now, and it feels more like things are being proven left and right, than disproved. (Is that the right word?) So I need answers, direct ones, but guess what–I keep stopping myself from texting. I keep stopping myself from calling. If there is an ugly truth there, I am not ready to face it.

Well, I can’t hide behind distractions forever, and perhaps that is part of my journey–directness. And if the path of hurt and heal is in my horizon, now is the time to pack up and go. I can’t prepare for hurt, though. Despite the endless times “I’ve been there”.

I dunno.

I just feel like a burden, and I need answers, not pre-conceived notions in my own head.

By cosmicsilver Posted in My Life