Crossroads, Crossroads….

This thing about who goes where keeps coming up. Everyone has their feelings about why the other person should come, and now even outsiders have thoughts and commentary. Assurance was provided, but now a new conversation has my head spinning. Who’s right? Who needs to make the move for the next encounter? Who’s wrong? What’s this sinking feeling in my chest that eventually the bottom is going to fall out?

I know. Don’t think like that. Don’t speak on it. Yet here it is, in my face. I’m not made of money. I’m not in a position to pick up and go. I held my head high and wrote a long letter of honesty about it, and now that’s being seen as guilt. I’m broke, I’m working a job that barely pays, I’m in school, and I can’t split studying with pleasure. What’s so hard to get about that? Why does it still feel like this is all my fault, and the other person doesn’t get it?

So I went to Amtrak, Megabus, and Greyhound, the crappy company that I took on the way back. I don’t have a choice, as I don’t have a car, and now it seems like even “the usual” is asking too much. That was me going to Nashville, them picking me up, and us going to Brentwood. This last time, we took a 4 hour drive back after meeting up in Nashville. I mean, what can I say? I keep saying things. They keep getting bounced back. Last time I checked, I thought we were just trying to be together.

I am frustrated. I feel unheard in this situation. Or misunderstood. I don’t have a lot of options, and I’m not asking the moon of them. You need help with gas, take my card. You want some food, fine, let’s get a burger on the road. But don’t stand there acting like you don’t know what my life is like, and then expecting this over the top output.

Are relationships supposed to be this hard?

I’m trying to me be real as possible, not a guilt tripper.

I know they’re trying. It just seems like maybe they don’t think I am. Or I’m not willing. It just seems like everything else but this traveling and getting together thing are easy and come naturally. It’s complicating itself because we won’t bend. We can’t see eye to eye. I think that this is easier for people who have cars and jobs and steady paying jobs. Not so much for odd 30-somethings who don’t have it all together. For us, there’s an endless set of limitations to climb up and over. For us, things like long distance love become incredibly difficult.

The only other thing that I can think of is moving to GA. This costs money. This requires a lot more than I have going on. I can’t graduate fast enough, I can’t make money fast enough. Or find time enough. So we’re all these unsatisfied people with big dreams and slow progress.

I can’t believe he’d actually think any part of this is on purpose. I think that part bothers me the most. Even when I write a letter explaining everything, it still feels like this is lowkey my fault. I can’t just sit here and not do anything. That makes it worse. I don’t know what to do, but I need to do something.

I….

I am frustrated.

But like most major things, I will carry it quietly. I don’t know how to solve this right away. I can’t. And he’s upset and lonely and tossing hints at me that hurt more than he knows.

I don’t know what else to say.

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