When you are an introvert, it’s different. I won’t say it’s special or it’s great, because feeling like you are annoying and socially messed up isn’t a good or special feeling. It’s actually pretty terrible, and messes with your confidence and self-worth. Maybe it makes you act different. Maybe it makes things harder. It makes you stand out sometimes, it makes you nervous, and it’s annoying and frustrating to see other people conquer it. It’s a kick in the sac when people think you’re nuts or look at you like you’re crazy, telling you how simple it is.
When you are an introvert, you find comfort and solace with your people. You feel like you belong when you’re able to open up and trust people with fears and doubts. You feel like maybe the world isn’t so bad, and that all people aren’t so totally untrustworthy. In the loud, crazy, intrusive world, you’ve found comfort within discomfort.
When you are an introvert, you’ve learned some hard lessons. You’ve learned that very few people want to hear your life story, and it’s easy to have people turn away from you when too much is revealed. You have been burnt, you have been or felt used, and you are cautious. You want to interact, obviously, but it’s difficult. You find yourself walking down one path over and over, when it comes to new friends, old friends, and folks you’re cool with:
“I hope I’m not bothering them.”
You get scolded for it, lovingly. Or in exasperated tones. Or it’s laughed at, or conversations are had about it. Dialogue and reassurance are key themes. Still, you say it to yourself. You stop yourself from that text or call. Long silences freak you out. You feel like a burden or a pity/charity case. Misunderstandings run wild, sometimes. Usually they are corrected.
Maybe this is just me. It’s not fair to group all introverts. I feel like a burden. I know you can’t get what you want all the time, and sometimes things change. Sometimes situations come up. I get it–trust me. My fears are prominent right now, and it feels more like things are being proven left and right, than disproved. (Is that the right word?) So I need answers, direct ones, but guess what–I keep stopping myself from texting. I keep stopping myself from calling. If there is an ugly truth there, I am not ready to face it.
Well, I can’t hide behind distractions forever, and perhaps that is part of my journey–directness. And if the path of hurt and heal is in my horizon, now is the time to pack up and go. I can’t prepare for hurt, though. Despite the endless times “I’ve been there”.
I just feel like a burden, and I need answers, not pre-conceived notions in my own head.