TW: Diet talk, weight talk, body image issues

I can’t tell you what it was like to be a kid anywhere else in this world. I can tell you what it was like being a kid from Chicago, on the Southside of the city. I can tell you that a lot of cruelty was thrown the way of the fat kids, and the greatest insult was to have someone say “you need to be on/in/getting with Jenny Craig!”

That was the major insult of the 90s, because JC had just started in 1985, so it was pretty new. It was the zinger that lots of people used in and outside of entertainment, and had the kind of sting that left you speechless. Or maybe that was me. I don’t always clap back. It was either Jenny Craig or Slim-Fast, and trust me I had been forced to try the latter during a time in 6th grade. For breakfast, by my dad. Tasted good, but guess what–felt bad and it didn’t work.

So I’ll spare the long and stupid tale of bad habits and tacky storage spots for food. It got me super fatter. Boredom, sadness, all that crap will move you to make shitty choices. I think today, after I’d eaten a bowl of popcorn with a glass of juice, I got tired. So, I looked around. I decided to join Jenny Craig. I decided I wanted to actually use the workout clothes I have, and start off with a goal of losing 30-4o pounds.

I keep saying that I want to be beautiful, and not make bad choices anymore. Buying all that stupid Valentine’s Day candy and devouring the stash sort of woke me up. I need to do a lot better than I’m doing. So I’m doing this trial thing, and if I don’t like it, I will either go somewhere else, or attempt to build my own plan. I’m not ready for a gym, but I can do research.

I just want to be beautiful, and I don’t feel that way right now. Maybe I’ll feel like I can slay some days, but most of the time I don’t feel great. I’m hiding from my true feelings, and holding back because people say not to express those thoughts. I’m pretty much keeping silent, because I feel like I’ll get shamed for it. I know the weight I want to be. If someone can’t find me attractive at that weight, what is it that they really like about me? I am more than my body.

So I decided to ignore that, because this is about improving ME. I guess I need to be selfish to get it done. So if JC doesn’t work out, I need to find another place. There aren’t that many that aren’t super expensive. I really would like to find an inexpensive one that can adhere to my $300 dollar monthly budget. I can’t think of any others aside from NutriSystem and they were too high. So that’s why I chose JC.

I also want to regulate my menses, so I can ensure that I can have the kids I want. I need to be at least 200 pounds to get health insurance with United Health, and in TN I don’t have any other options than TennCare and BCBS, and I can’t afford the $395 they want from me. I want to live a better and happier life in a body that I feel is right for me. I don’t want to tell ppl what to do with theirs, and I don’t want to be an ass about it. I know how that feels. This is from my POV, and it isn’t to shame ppl who are comfy with what they have. I need to change my eating habits and grow up. I need to portion better and keep snacks for longer than a week. I want to be a better me. That’s all. I strive to please myself, and I can’t worry about this whole thing concerning not being desired for getting smaller. I can’t even be concerned with people’s opinions, now, but this whole issue of losing weight and losing this certain person sucks….but I need to do this for me.

This is the part where I say “stay tuned”, but I hate when ppl say that.

Blech.

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