There are people who are so ahead of their time, feeling-wise, that you don’t get their message until years and several relationships later. I keep mulling it over in my head–not to seek the past or bring them into my life, but it’s like wow….”I get it now”.
He kept saying to me over and over “I wish I was wanted and needed”, or “I want to be wanted and needed.”
That made me mad. What was I, chopped liver? I dissolved things when I felt like I had no place in their life. Typical feelings for someone being told very much about what other people are doing, but not very much about you except “you’re good.” I…probably should have known then and there that I’d missed out on the great person, great girlfriend manual. Still, I was mad. Wasn’t I there? Wasn’t I good enough?
So years passed, and the words faded into the back of my mind. I considered them a person who just was not satisfied, and was coping more than anything else. Coping with people, coping with their job, blah blah. I never really considered the fact that even with “all the stuff”, one can feel terribly lonely in a crowd and a life full of people. Something can always be missing, and maybe you’ll live an entire life without finding it out what it is. Maybe you’ll keep coming back to this life, until you find out what it is.
At the time, I was also trying to be this healer. Sometimes I still do that, and I can admit that is the only place where I may overthink, because I grow to love and care for people, and wish them the best. I don’t try to be mom or wife, but sometimes it happens. In any case, Miss Healer felt out of place. Miss Healer felt like nobody, and took those words to heart.
I’m older now. About 7 or 8 years have passed, and suddenly I get it.
Great timing, right?
It seems like such a bad, ungrateful thought, but a lot of people have the thought. A lot of people think like this, and need to find a way to work through it. The only problem is, when you tell people in your life how you feel, it gets tricky. It gets offensive. How do you tell people–if they’re already there–that you feel alone? It’s not exactly the best conversation to have over coffee.
So, the work continues to fix that feeling. There has to be a better way.