I talked to A the other day.
Things have changed. At least that’s what I think. By the time I get the balls to ask him if they have, they’ll probably have changed some more. That’s the messed up part of being in like with me–eventually my charm wears off. It happens. I’ve accepted it.
A small section of my uncool being was relieved to have some time to chat with him, but sort of longed for the days of three hour whatnots we once shared. I suppose that two whole weeks with me was far too long, and we probably won’t be talking any longer than about 45 minutes, if that.
I’m respecting his space, because he is still working, still job hunting, and I guess making sweet hand love to BattleBorn all night long. I sort of hate that part, but understand it. I used to game like that too. But, when we were together, I sort of resented it. I love games too, but I was sort of expecting to see less of the back of his head, and more of his lips in my face. I didn’t really speak on it, because that’s his thing. Helps him think or whatever. I messed up so much while I was there, anyway. How would it look to tell him he plays games too much? Right.
Then I realized I need to be busier, with four classes under my belt. I’m wasting my time a bit much, and I’ll be far behind before I know it. I will either have to cut babysitting time, or utilize those hours better. In any case, While I’m worrying about A and losing him, I need to do less of that and worry more about my GPA. I screwed up two classes last semester, and I want to show this school I don’t suck that bad.
I have about three to four months of all of that, and honestly I’m already tired. I need sleep and happiness and a better diet, and some reassurance.
My default at the moment is sadness and loneliness, but when I see Imani at 10, it will change. I’m trying so hard to be happy, and not worry about everything. I “have everything”, according to some people, but all iPhones and a roof over my head aside, it’s my spirit that has always felt broken and strange. My soul that needs restoration. I haven’t chanted in ages. I’m almost afraid to in this house.
Imma shut my eyes for two hours, wake up, rush to clean, and suck down some coffee. I will hug myself, I guess. I will try to be some kind of woman. I like A and I want to be with him, but he’s doing his own thing right now. I don’t want to hound him. Sometimes I have stuff to say to him, but again–this vibe i’m feeling says stay back a bit.
And with that, hello nap.