The new year is already seven days in, and I’ve decided to actually start using this blog for more than what last year was all about. You know…
the ex boyfriend posts.
Examining, understanding, griping, desiring. I cringe writing that, but cringe even more knowing that in their boredom, they could easily Google me and probably read a bunch of stuff that they might still think is true. That was 2015, I let my loneliness, anger, and sadness get the best of me. I realized a lot of things, but I took a look back at those posts. Embarrassing.
With every vow not to waste another second of typing on them, that’s exactly what I did. This is the crossover. If you stopped being in my life 1,2, 3+ years ago…stay there! You might be in my head from time to time, but that doesn’t mean you belong in my writing space. So that chapter is closed.
In other news, I am back to being jobless. Like, I guess my employer forgot about me. Or not. But you kinda get the hint when you’re not invited to the company Holiday party. You kinda get it when she says “let us get together for admin work” and nothing comes up afterward.
Now, yes, that kinda has me a touch pressed. But the tango of text and text and fall off is getting old. I did ask myself WHY I moved down here/agreed to it, but what’s done is done. I don’t….really like Paris that much, but I have a chance to finish school and work on my writing here. My religion is up in the air, and that’s probably creating bad blood, because I’ve been in contact with the Buddhists down here, but I can’t navigate some things I need to tell them. I could just…do it, but it puts me in a position where things get complicated. “Hey! I can’t put my altar up in this house! Out of respect for my uncle, a pastor!” and…”Hey! You kinda need to know I don’t have a car!”
I think it’s just kinda embarrassing to reveal so much to a new group of strangers, but it’s not like they’re going to be jerks about it. It’s more of me getting over myself, getting back into this Buddhism, and moving on to the next step in my life. A part of me is hoping that will be job/lovelife/money related, but when my cousin said “you don’t want anyone here….”, I was just sinking!
Do I…outsource? How does that work? I mean, assuming anyone would want me in this close-knit, everybody-knows-everyone wicked little town. That literally is Paris, TN. Everyone knows everybody else. So what’s this Non-Christian yankee with mile high natural hair gonna do to find love?
Or just a roll in the hay?
We won’t even talk about gay bars. NONE.
Not even a gay lemonade stand.
My Bisexuality is also on the hush, save for the HUGE rainbow ring my aunt gave me, and the pending pride jewelry I intend to add to my outing looks. Even then, are these people going to try and dunk me in the lake to save my broken soul?
I keep wondering if I’m even ready for love, but at this point–30–waiting around means missing out. So with all of that, I guess my year begins.
I also ate cold nacho cheese out of a cup as I wrote this.
My diet has died at least three times this week. I resolve to boil carrots and an egg tomorrow, and eat myself a heart ass healthy lunch.
That will somehow turn into the wing and fries special from Pizza Hut, with a cherry coke.