Because….

I had a moment to think about a lot of things tonight. About my current behavior, about previous behavior, and the bottom falling out of situations. I also thought about my ability to divulge on the internet. Anyone who snoops enough may find out a lot about me–some good, some bad, and some that certain folks just would not approve of. Still, I continue to leave a footprint on the Internet. I choose to write things to get them out, sometimes being right in the line of fire of people they’re about. That part hasn’t happened in a long time, because I’ve altered the way I address people and my frustrations with them. Do I still get mad? Yes. Do I rant online? Yes. Have I done it recently? No.

One of the first guidelines that most Nichiren Buddhists will see in the World Tribune comes from a list called SGI President Ikeda’s Three Keys (It usually says something like “To Advancing Dynamically in 20XX”). The first key is “First change yourself”. The second– “Never Give Up”. The third–“Advance With Joy”. It just came to me in my head. The first one stuck out to me, because it made me re-think the energy of some of my writing–past and present. There are some moments that are so temporary, that they become meaningless. They are ugly scabs of a person who needs to change. Others are like doves being released into the world. I become weightless emotionally.

Today, I thought about the last post I wrote about my cousin and aunt. It’s nobody’s business but the family’s own, yet I chose to write about it to sort my ideas out. But I’d never get on here and open up negatively about my cousin’s life. I’m very upset with her at the moment, because she’s treating my aunt like crap. Still, I know some things about her. But instead of cryptic messages and long paragraphs of anger, I’m (again) supporting my aunt.

I suppose that I thought about what it would be like if either one found my blog, and I’d have to explain myself. For what, having an opinion? This all arose because my cousin allegedly said some things in a post that someone else saw. It was SO negative that this person called her father–my uncle. So then, my aunt and I had a long conversation about social media, posts that do not belong on the Internet, and why people become petty by possibly tagging others who’re part of the drama. Also, why people write messages of a negative manner, and tend to allow only certain people to see them.

It was all a web of negativity that’s actually a part of a bigger problem. It made me evaluate the way I discuss people and my life online. A lot of older people wonder why folks in general do this. Why don’t we keep personal diaries and journals? I had them in my youth, full of crushes and budding erotic desires. I had all the angst, loneliness, and desire the pages could hold. I had thoughts of my mother, as I went through a long-overdue mourning at the tender age of 11. She died when I was 2 and a half, but it just seemed like that moment hit me, and did not let go until I was 24.

Anyway, the cousin’s alleged message made me think of every single rant I’d ever posted about any of my exes, issues with my dad, issues with friends, and problems with this world. Were any of them as justified as I felt they were? Did any of them really have a right to be online, for people to see? Especially if they made me look like a monster. I won’t say that I’m a meek mouse, but I’m not a raving demon running around knocking over vases, breaking bones, and scaring small children. Those posts were the outbursts of an introvert who really didn’t know what to say at the time of the drama.

With these family issues, it’s not posts to put tea on parade. Nor is it some kind of cryptic entry full of prose to be deciphered. It’s a way to express how I’m feeling in these moments, and how I hate to see my family–my aunt especially–having to contend with someone else who is supposed to be family too. I’m just making sure that it doesn’t turn into a rant-fest putting anyone down. These facts are just as they are.

I think that today’s talk with my aunt just made me feel a little sad. She’s going through things, this other person is creating layer after layer, and not really thinking about certain things. Why does the bottom have to fall out before she realizes the reality of things? She has burnt bridges and has salted the earth. Decayed parts of relationships, and pulled wool over the eyes of many people. I am support for my aunt, but it’s strange to see this person on social media skipping around like all is well.

I realized that things would be this way for a long time, and continuing to discuss it while “staying out of it” would send me into an endless loop until change came. I don’t wish her any ill–she has a beautiful daughter and a son with a bright future ahead of him–but she has let go of reality so far that it’s going to hurt THEM before it hurts my aunt or anyone else. There are far too many enablers in her life–but she is a grown woman well over 40. I don’t want to stand around and not be helpful, you know? When someone is in need, you toss them a line if you can. The only problem is this–she has taken a knife to every single line both verbally and physically. My involvement wouldn’t do a think but get MY feelings hurt.

This is such a challenging time. Maybe it sounds silly, but I truly am believing in these principles I study. I see the proof bit by bit. I am going to change myself. There will be no more posts about this family issue here. There will be no sassy messages about it on any part of social media. There will be no cryptic messages, either. The one thing I learned after “getting into it” with two grouchy exes and one testy friend–words have power. Words have ammunition. (Okay that’s TWO THINGS.) We can either encourage or discourage. (THREE THINGS. LEAVE ME ALONE LOL)

I am done discouraging with this family information. As a write, this will eat me alive internally.

As a Buddhist, this will take me right to the Gohonzon.

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