Dark Clouds

It’s hard not to say something to the other party involved, when you know exactly what’s going on. It’s hard not to get angry when you have a majority of the details. It’s hard to feel like you’re standing idly by, while you’re technically giving one party support. You want to give all parties support, but you know one of those parties is doing the very worst he or she possibly can to make life and situations miserable for everyone else. Sprinkle in enablers and other folk who just don’t know, and you’ve got yourself a pot full of some pretty spicy, juicy stew that’s about to boil over.

Why write about it? Why put it into the world? I have to get it out. I have to express it. I’m not worried about other people right now. I’ve been writing and re-writing it for days. I have a draft in waiting that was full of my anger, my hurt, and my feelings about a situation happening in my family. I kept going over it, not feeling like that was displaying my Buddha nature. I don’t want that kind of energy out into this world, and I’m constantly working on it. It’s nowhere near perfect. There are a lot of things that…well…completely piss me off. Believe me when I say that this situation has a pot boiling on my emotional stove. I’m keeping calm because adding more negativity won’t help–it will hurt relationships. At the same time, I just feel odd acting like I don’t know anything, and things are “okay”.

The party who started all the trouble probably either thinks I know nothing, or that I’m so low-level and off her radar that I’m not going to say anything. So far, I haven’t. I want her to think I know nothing. I don’t even know where I’d begin addressing her. I was shocked to think she’d treat her own family in this way. I was shocked to see her acting one way on social media, then hearing other things about her through other people–both blood fam and non blood. The stories are all the same. With all the layers, there wasn’t much to say. It turned from everyone thinking she was a battered woman into the actual truth–she had a lot of problems, she was acting way out of line, and she made it so her father had to choose between his daughter and his wife.

My old self would have been posting cryptic messages and statuses to make her feel guilty. Maybe I would have gotten in her inbox and told her a thing or two. This growing self doesn’t really know what to do. I’m here for my side of the family, not her. But at the same time, I feel like this is partially my business, because she’s giving someone I love hell. After a talk with the family member, a lot of things were clarified. Why all her friends didn’t know the truth, and what’s possibly being done in the darkness–that will soon come to the light. I already anticipate that she will use this against my aunt, and make her look very bad in the process. To save her own skin, she’d rather ruin my aunt’s reputation.

It was suggested that I become a mediator. “Talk some common sense into her,” says my dad. Who, me? the 29 year old against a 40-something who has her head in the clouds and her attitude in the gutter? The same lady who preaches on Sunday, but gives ’em hell Monday-Saturday? My eyes widen as I type that. I’m going to be nice, but I’m going to be critical. I don’t think it’s my place to talk sense into someone with a harder head than my own. I’m stubborn, but even in my darkest hours–I LISTEN. I’m ironing kinks out of my own life. I don’t know about her. I feel like maybe the bottom really needs to fall out for her to get it. I don’t wish her the worst, because she’s family–but she’s done and said a lot of things that are unforgivable at the point in time. This is one of those moments that requires a lot of daimoku, letters, and hard thought.

I keep re-arranging the situation, but from a distance that’s not ready to be published yet. I have sworn support to my aunt, because she needs it the most. She has extended her hand and her home to someone who has been rotten to her off and on for YEARS. I mean since my step-uncle has been dating her. That was in the 80’s to early 90’s and beyond. They married in 1992. At WHAT point is she going to drop the grudge and be cool?

It isn’t my job to go around setting people straight. I wish I could give her some kind wisdom without seeming like I’m imposing. But the blood of my aunt flows through me, it flows through her. She has extended her house, her heart, and her wisdom to me. She helped raise me when my mother died. She has shared her story of sorrows, and also has been a shining example of making do and doing the work to live a new life. She has spent 20+ years in that town, slaving to the bone to own the house she currently owns. To see it all be jeopardized because of one person is the WORST. Especially with people who have known her for years. They think she’s a monster. They don’t realize her buttons are being pushed by someone who’s smiling in their faces, crying wolf like my aunt is intentionally being mean on purpose.

This aches my heart because my aunt is not a bad person. She is not an evil person. She is a woman of God who has served all her life. She is not a hard person to live with. She can be honest in a way that wakes you up, but she does her best to love with all her heart.  As my dad says, “we all go through shit”, but I don’t want her to suffer. I don’t want her to feel like she has to be angry or stony just to survive in her own house. That she has to tap into her fiery nature just to defend her own. I don’t like that. It brings tears to my eyes as I write, because again–seeing this person say one thing and do another behind a closed home door is maddening. What do I do?

My heart says to continue supporting my aunt. Not to let my lesser self join in, but to send daimoku to her. To not engage with the fire-starter of this whole situation, and to not let the inactivity and enabling of others get to me. Just as I prayed as a Christian, I will pray as a Buddhist. Some prayer is better than none. What happens next?

Resolution, I hope.

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