Kill Your Darlings

The age-old phrase that was smooshed into my brain about not always keeping or publishing certain pieces of work. Meaning, you have to simply let them go and shoot ’em in a literary field. They’re Old Yeller, you’re the…er….boy. With waiting math homework, you’d think that I wouldn’t have time to be thinking of poems about old topics. Yet the muses are dipping into old territory, thanks to my seeing a picture on Tumblr. The poster isn’t at fault, it’s just where my head went when I saw the picture. There was a theme. It simply reminded me of someone so bad for me, so different, so….um…hard to understand, I guess. I don’t write about them. I don’t talk about them very often just because I realized a lot about them and how they made me feel and act. So, why write about them? Sounds like a darling to be killed, not entertained.

The last thing I need is a reason for them to randomly text me and get the ball rolling, because they think I still care. I don’t want to fall into that vortex of short hellos turning into long feelings that turn into jagged edges into my heart. It doesn’t have to go there, but it usually does. Maybe I think too highly of myself. Still, I’d rather not test the waters at all!

I still haven’t finished my poem about this new guy I have a bit of a crush on. I met him last year, and he’s a part of something I belong to. So, there’s this layer of internal taboo. With my low self-esteem, I’m automatically like “ewww look at me I’m not his type”, but the other half is like “I want to hug him, kiss him, know him, appreciate him!” and I have this chance to also just be a good friend to a human being without….rushing or ruining something. That’s the thing. Here is my chance to make a friend, not have it rush into romance for no reason, not put myself on the line. I can contend with the desires in my head and not have things get weird and crazy too fast. It’s just a crush. Not the usual desperation and passion of Veronica Rochelle. That gets me in trouble.

I would really just like to be his friend first, and get a feel as to whether or not I even want to look beyond a crush of admiration. It’s 50/50 between looks and personality. He’s cute, okay. 100% my type–medium build, about my height, and he’s just a sweetheart. Humble type. Down to Earth. Easy to talk to, a little funny. Considering our role together, not knowing his “type” per se….obviously I’m not all over him like white on rice. I’m playing it cool, hopefully not looking TOO creepy or being TOO aloof. If all else fails, I still have a friend.

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