I reflect and confess a lot in my poetry. As crappy, sad, and schmultzy as it is…a lot of my soul is inside those words and phrases. So, I broke down one night and got very real about something I’d been fighting inside my head and heart. I stopped fighting in that moment, and said I ached for someone. OH! It felt so right, it felt so good to get it off my chest. I stopped caring what persons x,y, and z would have to say. I looked over my constant editing of the self. I just said it. I put all branch-ings and complexities aside to write. It felt like a good idea, despite my usual stack of worries and embarrassed feelings.
48 hours later, I swear it was like a light just flashed on in my head. What did I write? Why did I write that? The taboo topic I say I will never write about again. Yet every time (almost) that my heart and mind go there, my fingers are dancing on a keyboard. My pen is scribbling bullsh*t in a poem book. What’s going on here?
The self-examination of Veronica Rochelle is an ongoing thing. Believe me, I’d love to be able to stop it. I have tried, and that’s where the overflow comes. Yet, some ideas and sentiments are just toxic. I feel like this is one of them, and I need to make a greater effort to refrain from entertaining it. As my SGI family would tell me, this is a Gohonzon moment. This is a daimoku moment. This is one of the things that is holding me back from dating again. Because it took so long to find that person, get involved, blah blah. No matter how long ago it was, the scars ran so deep that it laid an impact on my ability to move on. That’s…actually pretty sad.
It’s all such an imperfect process, but even the wake up call wasn’t enough to push me out of the deepest holes of the denial maze. That’s when you know it’s toxic for you. Not everything is worth a stanza. In that moment, I was acknowledging the feelings I hated the most. The feelings that mattered to me, but were obviously never going to be on the radar of the other person. I didn’t need them to be. That, honestly, was only half of my feelings anyway. The other half is fully away of the sorrow, heartbreak, tears, and effed up situations. All the aching in the world wouldn’t bring them across the bridge, and it’s better that way.
With all of this awareness and honesty, it was a reminder that it’s time to keep walking in this world, and find some new topics. It might not be the romantic overture I’m looking for, but it will expand my horizons. It will stop me from dancing the same old tired two-step. I think that for starters, I will write about people I see daily in life. Not negative things, but positive things. Neutral things. Things that are observations. That way, I won’t have time to reflect on people who probably can’t even remember my name.
Besides, not every feeling is permanent these days. They all seem to be wearing winged shoes, flying all over the place, running races, and disappearing into the night. They don’t stay long enough (most of them) to be determined as to whether or not they’re valid or fleeting.