Before I head off to bed, I feel like making my last rounds in the social media circle to discuss a phone call from the other day. It was by far the craziest, most unexpected phone call I would ever expect to get. Without going into great detail, it was probably a phone call I should have hung up on. One I probably should not have answered. An unknown number? I usually ignore them. 1-because there was this guy that kept calling anually to see if I was single, saying he knew of me from another person. He thought that we should get together. Since I didn’t want to be hacked up parts in somebody’s freezer, I declined like a smart person. I talked my way out of that for waaay longer than I should have.
Well, the other day was no different, and I didn’t ask as many questions as I should have. Then it dawned on me hours later–what if the person discussed in the 90 minute conversation was right there with the caller? This didn’t hit me until later. It made no sense that someone would be passed around until they found someone who know of the subject and myself as a couple. We broke up years ago. How would they know my house number, instead of my cell? The subject knew my cell and house number.
There were propositions, talk about celebrities and their private lives. It was 90 minutes where I said too much, found out too much, and walked away very hurt and freaked out. I cried all the way up until my meeting Saturday. With no way to contact this person, who knows what happens next. The fear that washed over me is fading away. The hurt feelings are slowly shipping out. The strangeness of the moment and what was said–not so much.
I made it my business to stay out of past people’s business, but my mistake was thinking about the subject. As it goes in Nichiren Buddhism, thinking on it and/or speaking of it long enough or even in a short time might bring it into the universe. In other words, what you think about or speak about may come to be.
So, maybe thinking of this person so much is what brought the update to hit me in the face. Maybe I needed it. I never acted on wondering how they were and all the frills, because keeping in contact failed one last time about two years ago. I decided to accept that even with a reset, we could not be friends. I was hurt by it, of course. This was the first person I ever loved, ever felt I could be myself with, and gave the most of my true personality to. I was very crazy about them. In the end, I just wanted to show them the person I was now, in comparison to the kid I was with them. There was a lot more to me.
Well, things never worked out that way. I made it my mission not to dwell, but found myself strangely thinking of them. No contact, just thinking of them. I felt really stupid for it. They weren’t thinking of me. They probably had forgotten every single part of our time together. I exited from all the bad feelings, I thought. Once I learned what I did, I don’t know why I got upset in the slightest. I thought knew ’em, and well…they had a side even I didn’t know about.
But alas, it ain’t my business! This was probably something they didn’t want me to know. Or maybe, they don’t care that I know. What am I going to do with it? It was shocking, but not the end of the world. I say, by all means–be yourself and be free. Maybe during time with me, it just wasn’t that time.
The universe gave me a wake up call, but the situation left a lot of questions in my head. It also had an offer I don’t know if I should trust. If there’s any truth to it at all, we will see. Still, I got my update. My big, juicy, right in the feels update. Time to think of other things, I believe. Who knows what the caller and/or subject really had up their sleeves. Worst case scenario, I get chewed out for giving the caller the subject’s email. Like I said, it got weird, fast. I rolled with it like a moron for waaay too long.
Why can’t I ever get a call about writing a book? Or get an invite to a poetry slam? Things that would help me get my mind off the other stuff.