My voice is on fire when I’m online. Offline, not so much. When I feel spirited to talk, I cannot stop. I sort of let it out in bursts during the SGI meeting with the Young Women’s Division in my chapter. But I couldn’t help myself. This was a group of women whom I just felt really comfortable with. Like, I just instantly felt like we were coming together to do something big-ish and nice. So, there wasn’t any pressure to be this way or that. I could just be myself.
The comfort of that group made me forget my issues. It happened this past Sunday, and it was nice. For once, I wasn’t thinking of failures and sorrows. I wasn’t thinking of anything heavy. I chanted, I ate, I laughed. Days passed, and I kinda started sinking again. I felt myself sliiiiiding back down “into that place”. I hated that feeling. How could I let something/someone hurt me like that? How could I devote a second of my time? I cringe writing about it!
I think I made that mistake of not only holding onto those thoughts, but doing my best to purge them, quickly. As easy as it seems to “just do it”, obviously the job isn’t done if it snaps back. The lesson itself is one I think has been learned, but, the scars. Those might take a while. Is that okay? Can I live life while I heal? Can I want better things for myself? Of course.
That part of me which sort of chastises my emotions was so embarrassed. There I was, Weds., getting sad and misty eyed. I went on this site somebody recc’d on Tumblr, and “checked my baggage in”. I felt so guilty and stupid for feeling. Well, I’d done anger and bitterness. I’d muttered enough exploration like a Sims 1 Sim to bring my happiness bar down to the deepest of reds. I asked myself just how long was I going to keep picking it up.
I remembered some awkward reassurance I said to myself a long time ago. It was okay to miss someone, but I didn’t have to act on it. Or, respond to it. I believed it for a while, until faced with the challenge. Silly girl, I didn’t listen to myself. Then, I remembered what we’d been talking about in SGI meetings all along–every action has a reaction. It’s known as “karma”, and the Western POV on the subject tends to see Karma as the negative only. So, lots of people end up saying “karma’s a B” on different statuses or in your face. In Nichiren Buddhism, it is known that all actions beget three kinds of Karma–good, indifferent, and bad. It simply is what it is. ALL things. Not some of the things, not most of the things. If you do a thing, another thing comes from it.
The point is, even though the “bad” exists, it’s not that “just desserts” kind of feeling. Now, that isn’t to say go out and do bad stuff and get rewarded, either. It’s just that…again. An action begets another action. Well, I ramble now. But, it all reminded me of my own actions. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way, but, they’re an opportunity to learn, period. In my case, I sort of feel like I’ve been learning the same lesson over and over. 1-because I fear newness, 2-Feeling like giving people a chance, 3-Genuine feelings.
Sometimes it’s best to leave certain things alone. No matter how alluring, no matter how promising, and no matter how much of an explanation they demand once you leave. Sometimes, when something creates so much anger and sadness in your system, it’s simply time to go. When you learn and see how people will or will not respect and support you, what else is left? When people play games for whatever reason, what else is left?
There are wonderful people in my life who don’t do these things. They are supportive, loving people. If only I’d reach out and touch THEIR lives. How dark is the room? How tight is the bubble, really? My world might not be perfect, but it would be much, MUCH different. Not everything and everyone–no matter how familiar or sweet they are/can be are truly here for you. But, when you’ve got genuine quality that does not quit….hold on to those people.
I’m moved to tears as I write this last part. Because they aren’t all within my reach. But they’re there, reading my posts, liking my stuff on tumblr, and engaging with me. They are beautiful people with their own lives who somehow stepped into mine. They are also people I’ve gone to school with. They’re also people bonded to me by blood. Some of them haven’t even known me that long, and they treat me like a human being worth something so precious, it neither has market price nor aesthetic value. It’s so wonderful that I actually get geeked hearing from them.
Perhaps this is part of the lesson. Comparing darkness to all the light in my life. If only I’d reach for it.