I’m sitting here like “Oh GOD please don’t let him think any of those poems I’ve written lately (about missing people and saying stuff) were about him.” Just…please. I realize the timing is interesting and bad, but that last one with that topic was about something I was just feeling after a talk with someone else. The “honesty” post was a reactionary thing when I noticed a response by my twice-baked ex on a post. I just got the confirmation he was over me. I want to say something, but I’m cringing at the fact that I have to do that. Am I boring him already? Am I thinking too hard about this, forgetting that he has a new job? Granted, I’m pretty dang annoying, but come on–I’m not out for trouble. I’m just a poofy-haired screwball hoping she still has a friend/pseudo-friend/kinda-maybe-sorta friend.
I haven’t heard from him in a while, so of course my brain goes to that place of thinking he’s either seen a poem/poems, thought it was about him, or just got plain old bored. And I’m too pansy-filled to just text and ask him. So much for boldness!
That’s crazy, though. I wrote some poems and they were actually about thoughts about Jeff. As far as I’m concerned, Darren and I have/had a clean slate. And I’m actually getting pretty sad and all pathetic about him going away again. I really don’t want that to happen. When I was thinking about him the other night, I was actually thinking about all the times we acted like pure idiots. I mean, you can’t just go out to the affluent part of Beverly, barking at 2 in the morning with just anyone. He probably forgot all that kind of stuff, but I was really myself back then.
Alas–the world does not revolve around this pear-shaped catbear. So in my hopeful mind, this is a job thing. He’s working for the Post Office, probably slaving to death, and maybe he’s coming home very tired just to get up and work again. It kinda sucks not hearing from him, but jumping to conclusions and then turning into a sourpuss doesn’t help either.
Such is the life of a writer.
Does he know those things weren’t for him?
Or, am I really on the chopping block already?
Woe and sighs. Woe and sighs.
I really should text him, but I’m openly afraid to do so. 😦
(I’m strange and awkward, and it’s kinda really sorta truly not a good thing.)