Fillings and Feelings

I went to the dentist today. Part one of fillings. It feels strange. Of course my pushy dad had to remind me not to eat sticky gum or candy, and I’m just rolling my eyes on the car ride home. He’s pushy in a way that I cannot always combat. I don’t think he realizes the conflict he helps with the issues I’m already sorting through, and all the stuff he’s bringing up. I still don’t have the guts to tell him I want to go back to school.

Today fell apart, and I was hoping it wasn’t. I wasn’t looking for it to fall apart. I just wanted to go to the dentist without any hitches at all. He instantly became the hitch because I’m a constant hitch to him. The path is always clear to the extrovert. Introverts with more fragmented files such as myself have problems putting things together quickly, let alone forming explanations that do not seem “ludicrous” to the outsider. So I stood there as he complained, I barked at him in the car as he complained, I began to hate myself and my efforts…again–a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time.

Coming home to a cheerful child itched me a bit. Attempting to be cordial to his girlfriend and getting no greeting back just grated my skin even more. I can’t shut out the entire world or send Lightning to chase Sacrifices with Vanille and Fang anymore to make it stop. Gaming used to help. But even the thought of beefing up for final battles just isn’t cutting it. Tomorrow is another day, and I just want to drown out the “nothing has changed” and “it’s been a year” crap from my father. If I could show him the other side, he would be very angry. How could I do that, doesn’t it ruin my future, what kind of slut do I think I am….what’s with the lewd stuff…like, I can’t even go there here.

The shift from the calm to our intermediate family drama has always been a thing. Just when I think things are good and okay, I always come to find another day that they are not. Comfort zones are always temporary, and last for as long as he decides it’s time to be a booming reminder. Not for a second have I forgotten I am 28. But what is 28 these days to a world where you have to be magnetic, appealing, special, acceptable…so many things?

Okay. Back to work. This life isn’t going to fix itself. Since I’m so old, I have to do some things for myself….despite living within a family unit.

Exclusion is marvelous, I tell you. These are the same people who want your help for things. How does that work?


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