“It”

  I keep trying to figure out how my dad does “it”. Meaning, how he just navigates through life. But then again I keep forgetting two things–he’s 60, he’s a guy, and he’s a daggone Capricorn. It’s almost like he’s got the best armor in the game.

  Here I am, this jelly-like 20-something, trying to navigate through joblessness, depression, daily irritations, and I guess connecting with people who truly value me. That last part? It isn’t hard for dad. It isn’t hard for most people, it seems. He’s like…some kind of confident and magnetic force. I’m sure he’s out there wondering how I do things, too.

  We had a talk one time, and he let it slip that he wondered where he went wrong. In typical burn fashion, it left a mark. I’m sitting there wondering the same thing, but more of “why am I such a screwball”, and “how do two hardworking people bring forth such a a wacky hippie?”

  Dad navigates through tactic and lessons learned. Emotion seldom plays a part, although the intent might be there. He’s not a heartless bear, but when I bring up triggering, emotions, feelings, setbacks….ehhh…we clash. In his black and white world, my many shades of gray just don’t make sense.

  I’m at this point where I’m trying to shape my life up day by day. It’s a slow crawl process that comes easy to functioning people. Even with the privilege I have, I feel very dysfunctional. Of course, this is completely maddening to watch from my dad’s p.o.v. So again, we butt heads. I just wish I could dig into myself and show him everything. But, when I do show him a little something…I get judged for it. Which is why I’d rather have him continue to nag than show him the gems, the pennies, the baubles I’ve been cultivating. It’s kinda difficult to say anything, haha. Somebody give me a chance to create a necklace of worth with all these parts!

  Long before the nags and increased worry, my dad said something to me that still buzzes in my head–“some of us are magnetic people, and it comes easy to make friends and attract people. Some of us are not. We have to go out into the world and find our friends and find ways to attract and keep people.”

  I find myself combatting these words, often. I want to have automatic attraction like so many of the wonderful people I follow on tumblr. I want to be seen, heard, and identified with. I want the masses to love me, purchase this and that, and I guess find a friend in me. But with all that gaze, could I navigate through the drama?

  Navigation is different for everyone. At this point in time, I feel like I’m better off just whacking away at the things that give me trouble–aka–the things that never change that NEED drastic, possibly painful changes. These may be the things that help me do “it” in my own way.

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