I totally forgot that I set up this blog to be published to a lot of sites. I don’t know why I did that. Who’s really here for the boring musings of someone who’s supposed to be on “hiatus” from Tumblr (just started that gem yesterday), kinda over facebook, and not really sure what to ever do with a Twitter?
I mean technically I’m not on Tumblr. I’m just publishing there. Sooo….still on hiatus? Har har har. I had a moment of whiny bitch entitlement yesterday, failing to realize that the world will go on with or without me. Like, people missing me? That’s silly! I mean there’s one person who’s entering my circle right now who probably does miss me a little bit. And he’s cool. He’s a sweet person and we’re going to see where that goes. But, for people to miss me, don’t I have to make an impact?
So, I dunno why I thought anyone would really miss me. Online or off, I’m kinda invisible unless I say something really funny, really stupid, or post something to appeal to the BBW loving masses. And, yeah, that’s some wicked self-deprecation but my soft personality sorta automatically programs that. Humility through humiliation.
But the rawness I felt let me know that maybe it’s time to exit the Tumblr space for a while. There was a time when it meant nothing to me. Where I didn’t get in too deep. Where it was a “thing” I didn’t get. A part of me wants to go back to that feeling, although it’s hard. I found all these crazy, interesting, smart, beautiful people who made me question myself. They made me reevaluate my world view. They made me want to meet them, dress cool, listen to awesome music, absorb cool art–and write. I started to write a lot of poetry.
There is no space like Tumblr. But, when a site starts making me sad, and I start feeling like I want some attention like a bratty childish cat person–it’s time for me to step back. My life offline is a dead, pathetic mess. Tumblr has been my escape from all that. But it’s also been reminding me lately of all the things that have been hurting me as well–my love life, my weight, my writing career, my presence, my worth. And I’m sitting there feeling like a stupid lil bitch, getting jealous and sad. Feeling happy for people who have their love in their arms, but feeling very empty because the love I want….the relations I want….well, the passion wasn’t there and the drive and the emotions were sloooowly melting. I come back, that person don’t even got much to say–which was expected. I didn’t want them to miss me anymore. 🙂 They don’t need me.
But alas, this boring lady talks way too much. I don’t think I will disconnect the publishing. It’s automatic, it’s an update, and it’s just as unseen as ever.
Tee hee! :3
So off I go, into the real world. Clutching onto the new hope of a new cutie in my circle, attempting to write more, latching on to a less wacky me. And…finishing the missions on FF13 ’cause a dame gotta game.